


Just Because it's Shattered Doesn't Mean it Can't be Fixed

by atomicSoundwaves



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, High School AU, I'm a terrible person, I'm sorry but I'm not do you see my dilemma, Karkat has a bad childhood, M/M, Now John has a bad childhood too, Self Harm, Welp guess who just made this a demon AU as well, poor baby, some sad stuff I guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atomicSoundwaves/pseuds/atomicSoundwaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert has just moved to a new neighborhood. On his first day at his new school he meets Karkat Vantas, a very angry, albeit short, teenage boy his age. After a few months of being friends, John is lead to believe that Karkat has a reason for always being upset. How will this oblivious boy help his best friend open up to him? Will something else blossom out of this relationship? Will Dani ever get better at writing summaries? [DISCONTINUED]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey peeps! As you may know, this is my first time writing a multi chapter fic. I have absolutely no idea how long it will be, but just bear with me. Updates will (hopefully) be as frequent as possible, and additional tags, ships, and/or co-authors will be added along the way. The rating may change too, depending on the content. I hope you enjoy this while it lasts, 'cause God knows that there's a chance that it's utter shit.

Those who go through pain know how to hide their tears the best. Imagine it like a dam. It's hardy, long lasting, and can even hold back an ocean if built strong enough. Let's say a certain individual wants to get rid of a water source. What should they do? They build a dam to close it off so that it stays hidden. Afterwards, they release the water when necessary. The intelligent, the silent, and even the angry human beings are among the most shattered of us all. But just remember one thing: Just because it's shattered doesn't mean it can't be fixed.

Karkat Vantas happens to be a very angry individual. He tends to dislike everything that comes within three feet of his personal space. Many people think it has to do with his genes, or maybe that it's due to lack of affection. The latter has to be the most accurate response he's heard from any of these "worthless dumbasses". The actual reason he can't control his temper is because he had a bad childhood. Like, really bad. His dad says he got his temper from his mom, but he always says that "no one can be as terrible as that bitch". You see, his mother never treated them kindly. She always tried to hit either him or Kankri whenever she felt like it. Usually Kankri took the damage because he tried to protect Karkat.

One time their parents had gotten into a fight. She got really angry and started screaming. Karkat came out to see what was wrong. He was only ten at the time, so he was still oblivious to his mother's rage when she was provoked. "Mom," he said, "why are you yelling?" He walked up to her with a worried look on his face. His mother replied with, "Get away from me, damnit!" Then his dad stepped in and told her to never talk to Karkat like that. She raised her hand to slap the poor boy, put his dad stopped her before she could. Kankri eventually came out, obviously appalled by the scene before him. He stepped in front of Karkat, something he's been used to doing since his brother was able to walk.

They kept yelling for what seemed like hours, but only turned out to be about thirty minutes. "Get the fuck out of my house," their dad said. "Fine," she replied, "I don't need any of you." And with that, she was gone. A day after, they heard that she had gotten in a car crash. She didn't make it. When the funeral came around, they were all getting ready to go.

Except Karkat. "Karkat, start getting ready. We have to be out of the house by one." Their dad was always a loving man, and always cared for anyone that walked into his life. After Karkat had heard that they were going to the funeral, he immediately said no and went to his room. "Karkat, hurry up." The youngest Vantas reluctantly climbed out of bed and started getting ready. "Do you know what you're going to say at the funeral?" Asked his father. He nodded and walked out of the room.

An hour later they arrive at the funeral. Everyone had already spoken, and it had come to Karkat's turn. "Go on," nudged Kankri,"don't be afraid." Karkat got up and walked to the casket. He looked at it and said, "Burn in hell." Everyone was stunned. His father quickly walked up and took Karkat and Kankri back home. That was the day that Karkat realized how much anger had built up in him. That was the day that everything in his life had changed, and he knew for a fact that there was no going back.


	2. A Fallen Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, guys! As a present for all of those who were waiting for this to update, I have answered your pleas. Bear with me, this may be feelsy.

Your name is John Egbert and you just recently moved to a new neighborhood. It seemed friendly enough, you just haven't gotten around to meeting anyone yet. You and your dad finished unpacking yesterday, and school starts today. After many attempts at getting up, you finally gave in and got ready for the day. About 20 minutes later you called out for your dad. "Dad?" No sign of him. You went downstairs and found a note.

"John,  
I'm leaving early to go to work. I trust you to wake up on your own and walk to school. I'm sorry I can't drive you on your first day.  
Love you,  
Dad"

Fucking great. You got up pretty early, though. You should be able to get to school with a few minutes left to spare. The only problem with this is: It's a new school. You don't know anyone there and you're relying on your memory to remember how to get there. "God damnit, Dad." You rushed out of your home, breakfast in hand.

Fifteen minutes later you arrive at school. _Right on time,_ you think, _there's about five minutes left until school starts._  You begin walking to the front office to get your schedule. On the way there, a girl winks at you. You raise one eyebrow in confusion, but shrug off the action as just a polite, yet weird, gesture.

Class finally starts and you sit next to a short, angry-looking kid. He glares at you and you smile. You guess some people still need to sleep. "John Egbert?" You look to the front of the class. "Huh? Oh, here!" How long were you staring at him? You don't know, but you hope it wasn't for a really long time. You were probably just trying to see if you could find out what kind of person he is. But to your surprise, you can't.

Oh fuck. He's staring at you now, and he's not giving you the friendliest look. "Uh, hi," you said, "I'm John. What's your name?" He gave you a stare that made you feel like an utter dipshit for a moment. "Are you fucking serious? The teacher just called your name, I know who you are."

Oh. Well. Someone isn't the happiest fish in the sea. "But as to not leave you wondering, I'm Karkat. Maybe if you payed attention when the teacher was taking attendance instead of staring at me, you wouldn't have to ask." You blushed and looked away. "I-I'm sorry about that, I didn't realize I was--"

"Excuse me, Mr. Egbert. If you don't mind I would like to teach the class now," said the teacher, Ms. Reily. "Right, sorry," was your reply. This day really isn't turning out that well. Perhaps you can socialize afterwards so you don't get in trouble. Karkat slides you a piece of paper that says, "It's okay." It took you a while to understand the note, since you're "as focused as a fart", as your friend Dave would put it. Once you get it you smile like an idiot and try to hide it. Then you hear Karkat laugh a bit. You don't know why, but his laugh is one of the best things you've ever heard in your entire life.

Today may not be such a bad day after all.

\-- 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are currently sitting next to a dumbass. No, you don't find his smile cute, even if your thoughts beg to differ. 'He's a fucking moron,' you think. You wish you can just bang your head on your desk multiple times until you pass out, but the first time you did that, Ms. Reily didn't really appreciate it. She thought it was just because you really hated math, which you don't mind, but it was because of your damn thoughts. Sometimes they drive you to do bad things to yourself, you know, like bang your head 47 times on your desk. How in this godforsaken world do you fall for someone so quickly? A better question would be _'Why him?'_

There's nothing wrong with liking a guy, your dad always told you and Kankri that. "As long as you're happy, love who you want." He was always very accepting when it came to his children, and also very forgiving. You remember one time when you were thirteen and it was a day before Halloween. Kankri was watching a scary movie, but more listening than watching. He was in the kitchen cutting something when you snuck up and scared him. Long story short he ended up cutting you pretty badly and you needed to get a couple of stitches on your torso, but all was good afterwards. Your dad understood what happened, and told you guys to be more careful. He also told you in a very stern voice to stop scaring people while they were doing something dangerous. In your defense, you didn't even realize that Kankri had a knife in his hands and just assumed he was standing there doing something else, you know, like pouring a cup of juice or something.

"Mr. Vantas!" You're startled out of your thoughts and accidentally say, "Holy shit, what?!" You cover your mouth after realizing what you just said. "I would appreciate it if you would pay attention during my lessons and refrain from cursing. Now come up to the board and solve this question." You sigh and go up to the board. While you're solving the question your mind begins to wander again, but you're still writing. People tell you you're really good at multitasking, even if it seems like you're on cloud 9 most of the time. You put the marker back and sit down in your seat. "Very good, Karkat," she said in an unamused tone, clearly trying to hide how surprised she was. Everyone else stared at you for a moment, shocked that you could even solve what seemed like a difficult equation in under a minute. "Damn," you heard John whisper. You really wished that you didn't blush as hard as you did, because there was no doubt that it was as noticeable as a giraffe in a group of zebras.

After class, John asks you what your next class is. "English," you say. "Oh, sweet, me too!" You sigh and try to look as distressed as possible, not wanting to give out any indication that you're relieved to be able to see him again. "Aw, cheer up, Karkat! I swear I'm not as bad as you think I am! I really hope we can become friends one day, 'cause you seem nice despite your grumpiness."

"And how the fuck would you know? You've only known me for an hour."

"Look, I know I'm dense, but I actually find it pretty easy to figure out a person's true self."

All you could do was stare at him with curiosity and astonishment. "Okay, show me."

"Huh?"

"If it's really as easy as you say it is, then show me."

"Oh, okay," he says. He looks at a girl, someone you know both personally and by reputation: Vriska Serket . "You see her? I bet she's known for being a total bitch. But if you get to know her, she'll be the kind of friend that protects you no matter what." You try to hide your surprise. "Okay, how about him?" You look at a very quiet boy with a Mohawk, Tavros Nitram. "He's lost. Little self confidence, but overall very nice. All he needs is a push in the right direction and he won't look so sad." This time you look away from John. Just when you both enter class he says, "You know, Karkat, you're actually pretty hard to read. At first I thought you were lost, too. But then I realized that for the first time in my life, there's someone I can't understand as well as others."

You stopped dead in your tracks and realized something. No matter how much you wish someone could tell how broken you were, you hide it too well. Even someone like John, who can tell what kind of person you are without even knowing you, can't help you. You nearly shed a tear right before class started. Nearly. You know better than to show how you really feel when you're not in your room.

When you got home you thanked the heavens that no one was there, because you didn't have the strength to keep the tears in until you got to your room. You broke down right after you closed your front door.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you just realized that your soul was never meant to be saved. And if your sole purpose in living was to be miserable, you will forever ask yourself one question:

_"Why?"_


	3. Pain is Temporary, Love is Forever

After crying for what seemed like hours, you stood up and went to your room. You were used to moments like these; they happened quite often. Crying was usually the first method you would choose when trying to release your emotions. Hardly ever have you chosen to harm yourself. You recalled one afternoon in which you attempted to do it. It was the day where you just became sick of everything, and your depression wasn't improving as much as you wished it was. You wept silently in your room for a while, until you realized what you had to do. To show yourself how little you're actually worth, you must first try to get the message across to that tiny part in your mind that refused to let you think so: your sanity. From day one it has helped teach you right from wrong, it has taught you why some of the things you did were mistakes.

It had helped you feel like you were worth something, like you were actually human. You were actually quite surprised that it had persevered to stay with you throughout this mess you dare call a life. And now, it is your turn to teach it it's place. It is your turn to teach it that it has no place with you. Without it, sure, you'll crumble, but you won't have to worry. Now it won't need to see you suffer. It seems like throughout all of this, sanity proved to be one of your only friends. It was quite ironic how your other friend Sollux was insane, and Gamzee, if sober, will try to kill anything in sight.

Having had enough of your thoughts, you got up and went to the bathroom. You shut the door and looked for something sharp. After a few minutes of scavenging, you found a small blade. 'It'll have to do,' you thought. Your vision was blurred from your tears, causing you to not see straight. So when the blade made contact with your skin, all you saw was red. You felt no pain, and you certainly weren't aware of your surroundings. You had forgotten that Kankri was home. You had forgotten that you both shared a bathroom. It slipped your mind, much like the blade slipped out of your grasp when the bathroom door had opened.

The cut went deeper than you wanted it to, but all you felt was a sting. You turned to Kankri, vision still blurred. "Oh- Oh my g-god Karkat, no," he stuttered, "oh no no no no no, why didn't you just let me know? I could've been there for you, I could've helped you get through this!" At this point he was panicking, and you could only make out his red sweater. His voice was slowly fading, seeming to get further with every word he spoke. You begun to feel dizzy, and you looked down at your wrist. All you saw was red. It was soaking your lap (when had you sat down?), and it was all over the floor. Kankri had ceased speaking, and was sobbing at this point. He hurriedly knelt down and gently took your wrist. "We need to... bleeding... Karkat," he called, "Karkat!" Was the last thing you heard.

Red was the last thing you saw.

\--

You woke up to the sound of people speaking. "Hey there, Karkat. Welcome back to the land of the living," came a voice. "Sup, motherfucker. How you all up and feeling?" Came another. You felt someone squeeze your hand. It felt so familiar, so loving. "Karkat," came the last voice, the voice of your brother. You moved your head so that you were clearly looking at your three guests: your father, Gamzee, and Kankri. You noticed that your father looked worried, Gamzee still wore that stupid ass face paint, and Kankri... Kankri was still crying. "Kankri? Why- why are you still crying?"

"Why wouldn't I be crying? I thought I had lost you. I felt as if I was too late. I'm glad you're still here, Karkat, I really am," he said in a hushed, trembling voice. Kankri was always one for talking, and would often present you with (godawful) speeches. But when he was expected to say the most, he said absolutely nothing more.

\--

After that incident, Kankri was always attentive when you were around sharp objects. He observed your movements, your reactions, and your emotions, much like a mother around her child. Sometimes it didn't bother you. You couldn't blame him, really. If something that traumatizing happened to you, you're sure that your reaction would have been quite similar.

Sometimes, though, it pissed you off more than his speeches did. It got to the point that you actually yelled at him. "God fucking dammit, Kankri. Can't I do anything without you constantly behind my back, waiting for me to fuck up? News flash, dumbass: if I know someone's watching me, I'm more prone to doing something that might even make me end up in that goddamn hospital again. I would really fucking appreciate it if you could let me live my life without your eyes constantly boring two enormous holes in the back of my head." He was startled at your sudden fit of rage, but you honestly couldn't find it in you to give a damn at the moment. You rushed to your room and slammed your door shut.

A few hours later, you emerged from your room. You had felt terrible for what you had said to Kankri. He was just trying to look out for you, even if it did seem like he was overreacting a bit. You walked to his room and knocked on the door gently. "Come in," you heard after a sniffle. At this point the guilt was pooling in your stomach, but you opened the door and came in. "Hey," you said calmly. He gave you a small smile and you took that as your queue to move closer. He looked like he had been crying for days. "Look, Kankri, I'm sorry--"

"You don't have to apologize, Karkat. You were right, I was being a bit too tenacious. I should be the one apologizing."

"Kankri, you and I both know that what you just said is a load of horse shit. I shouldn't have yelled at you for trying to look out for me. Hell, you've been doing it ever since I was born, why should it bother me now?"

You sat down on his bed and hugged him. Not those half assed hugs you give aquaintances or really weird relatives, but a genuine hug. It's been years since you've hugged him like this, and you must say, it feels really good. "I love you, Kankri," you whispered. You felt his breath hitch, but he hugged you back nonetheless. He buried his head in your hair and you felt his smile, his breath, and even the tears of happiness.

"I love you too, Karkat, and I will always love you."


	4. This is What it Feels Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really super sorry that it took me so long to update this fanfic, I kind of lost my motivation for a bit. But now I'm back and I promise that I won't abandon this work. To make up for my absence, I wrote some smut you guys. It's not much or really detailed since it's my first time, but there will most likely be more in future chapters.

Your name is John Egbert and you honestly never thought that you'd end up like this. Your classmate --who you literally just met yesterday-- is straddling your waist. Your heartbeat, along with your breathing, is currently uncontrollable. You can't help it, he just looks so fucking hot panting on top of you, begging for more.

'Woah, where the hell did that come from?' You thought. You've never thought about such indecent things when it comes to your friends.

Unconciously, you reach up to kiss Karkat. He begins to roll his hips and the sensation is almost too much to bear. You can feel the bulge in your pants growing, pushing against your jeans in protest.

"Fuck me," you hear the other boy whisper breathlessly. "Please." His moans are absolutely mesmerizing and you wish to hear more of them, so you do as you're told and begin unbuttoning your pants. He begins to lick your ear, making you moan loudly. His kisses begin to trail down across your jaw, your neck, your shoulder, everywhere. He bites your neck and you groan, all the while reaching for the visible hard-on he's getting as well. You hear him squeak your name, almost as if it was too painful to say.

"This can't be real," you moan. "Nothing this good can ever be real."

And sure enough, it's not. You jolt awake in your bed, panting and sweating. You check the digital clock on your nightstand, which reads 2:17. "Fucking hell," you breathe. For a second, you actually thought it was real. The dream had felt so vivid, as if he was here just a second ago. Part of you wishes he was, but another part finds it all too sudden.

Reality finally hits you like an offended person with a frying pan: quite hard and painfully quick. You lift your blanket off of you and, as subtle as a gun, it seems as though your genitals have made a guest apperance. "Oh my fucking god," you whisper. There's only two ways out of this, and option two seems to be the slowest way possible.

So naturally, you choose option one and begin to slowly move your hand down your boxers.

\--

The snow fell like billions of breadcrumbs, promising a flurry of activity and a huge pile of shit in the aftermath. To be fair, you never really were one to favor snow. It is currently a very fucking cold Thursday that promises nothing more than snow and bullshit. Funny thing is, you still have to go to school. Welcome to Chicago, motherfuckers.

Despite the ungodly weather, you're only sporting a rather poofy sweater and your normal clothes. You also barely made it to school on time, but you made it. No one better come bitching at you for coming three seconds late because you slept like shit and missed the bus or you swear to god you're going to kick someone's teeth in. Today isn't going to be a good day, you can just tell. You enter your first period and sit in your seat, right next to a flustered moron wearing glasses.

Oh, wait. You know that moron. You met him just yesterday, didn't you? "John, right? Are you okay? You look like you're about to fucking fangirl over your favorite singer or some shit." His eyes widen in shock and you immediately regret your comment. "N-no no I'm, uh, f-fine," he replies. Your eyebrow raises in curiosity, but the bell rings before you can squeeze in another question. _Great,_ you think, _now I have to sit in this fucking class for fifty minutes that I could obviously be spending doing god knows what._ You wish you were sitting beside a window so you can actually do shit other than stare blankly at the front of the classroom while the teacher explains another goddamn lesson that no one even pays attention to. Sadly, your first period classroom has no fucking windows.

God, you really wish you could repeatedly slam your head on your desk until you pass out. You swear, you think this every time you step foot in this damn room. "Are you alright, Mr. Vantas?" Came a familiar voice. You look at the teacher who has a concerned look on her face. Apparently you had just slammed your head into your desk without even knowing it. "What? Oh, yeah, sorry." You sit up straight, noticing the entire class looking at you. Even John looks a bit concerned. Well, at least you finally did it.

\--

You exited your first period and headed towards your next class. It felt kind of odd that John wasn't trying to catch up to you, he seemed like the kind of guy to do that often. Instead of heading to your class, you turned around to find John. You walked for a moment before spotting deep blue eyes in the crowd. "John," you called out. Once the response had reached the taller male, he looked at you and stopped dead in his tracks.

Un-fucking-believable. You walked quickly to him, stopping straight in front of the buck-toothed asshole. "Did I do something to you? I've only talked to you like three times, yet you're already looking at me like I'm death walking among teenage dickwads." John looked absolutely baffled. "I-I um-"

"Son of a bitch, John, fucking speak!"

"You didn't do shit!"

There was a pause between you two as you each contemplated what was said. "John, don't do this shit to me. If we're going to be friends, don't make it seem like I just killed seven people and made you fucking watch. I've dealt with enough in my life and I definitely don't need this shit too." John looked down at the floor, a look of guilt painted on his face. You sighed and stood there for a moment just looking at him. You decided that you really don't like it when he's upset. In an attempt to lighten the mood, you poked his chest. "Hey," you started, "come on, let's get to class before we're late and the teacher gets pissed." John looked back to you, seemingly relieved that you didn't look mad anymore. He smiled and nodded his head.

"Okay," he said quietly. You both quietly started walking towards your destination, the other male's bubbly personality replaced with a more reserved one. You groaned loudly and playfully shoved John. "And stop acting like I just kicked your puppy." You both looked at each other and smiled.

Maybe it's not going to be such a bad day after all.


	5. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, I am so super sorry that I took so long to update this. I promise, it won't happen again! I made it extra long this time, as an apology for being such a butt. The first two parts are in John's POV, and the last is Karkat's, by the way. Just thought I should let you know. 
> 
> I haven't said this bedore, but thanks for your support, guys. I love you all so much! -3- 
> 
> Anyways, let's get on with the story, shall we?

You had always been different.

No, not in a good way either. As life progresses for you, you always seemed to find it easy to forget the past, and in doing so, always wanted to get rid of your problems. You see, life is not always rainbows and unicorns farting out pixie dust. In fact, as some people may say, life's a bitch. For you, at least. You don't know about anyone else, and frankly, you don't really care. You have enough on your plate as it is when it comes to just being you.

To stop beating around the metaphorical bush, let's get to the point. You're not exactly what people may call "normal", seeing as this issue has fucked up many things for you in your short, pathetic life. You recall when you were in kindergarten, just minding your own business and drawing a picture when suddenly, this short and fat pompous asshole decided to walk up to you. Now, despite your bubbly nature, you were one mean little sack of shit when you were younger. Well, in general. Everyone that was close to you knew not to get you angry.

"Whatcha drawing there, four eyes?" Inquired Tubs. Strike one. You visibly twitched when your mind registered the insult. "A picture of my family," came your response. You began your coloring once more, when a chubby little hand grabbed the picture from you. Strike two. "Give it back," you snapped, not bothering to turn around.

"Or what?" He challenged, sneering at you. "You gonna bite my hand off, Beaver Boy?" Strike three.

You turned around quickly and punched him in the face repeatedly, and hard.

You broke his nose and he lost three teeth.

After the incident, the teacher proceeded to scream in shock, dialing a number on her phone. Ten minutes later you were sent to the principal's office, where your father was called. You sat in silence on the chair, not bothering to look up more than once at your superior. The only time you looked, he glared. The time in his office ticked by rather quickly, considering that your dad didn't work very far.

Said man had walked in through the door, a look of concern painted on his face. Him and the principal began a conversation about what had occurred, which turned sour rather fast. They yelled and yelled at each other, shouting about things you couldn't understand. All the while you curled up on yourself, knees to your chest, hands covering your ears. You closed your eyes and tried to focus on your thoughts. But all you could think about was how much you hated yelling.

"He's a freak!" You had heard the principal shout. Your eyes shot open, breath escaping your lungs, as a tear rolled down your face. Everything stopped for you at that moment, for it was the first time anyone had ever called you that. It hurt more than you wanted to admit, and you wished you could just forget about today. "Don't you ever fucking dare call my son anything ever again," your dad said rather calmly, yet you felt the anger and venom in his voice. You looked up at the principal, who was now sporting a painful-looking bloody nose. Your dad grabbed you by the arm gently and walked out of the room.

That had been the first time you had heard your dad curse.

As you both walked to the car, you asked your dad a question. "Dad, what am I?" The moment you finished speaking, your dad stopped walking. He seemed to be concentrating hard on nothing in particular, but managed a response nonetheless. "I'll tell you when you're older," he answered, looking forward. He crouched down to your eye level and whispered soothingly, "But for now, just know that you're very special, and I love you with all my heart." He kissed your forehead and you began to cry.

 

\--

 

You had walked in through the front door, slamming it shut on your way in. You dropped your backpack on the floor, jumped onto the couch, and grabbed a pillow. Stuffing your face in said pillow, you began to scream.

Today hadn't been a good day for you. Okay, scratch that, it was a fucking nightmare. You had begun to grow very annoyed by the people that bullied you, and today was the day you snapped. After school, they had begun their daily round of torture. You were already in a bad mood, and you felt that you were finally sick of their shit. The moment one of them laid their hands on you, you pushed him back forcefully. "Leave me the fuck alone, Lawrence, I'm not in the mood for you right now."

Your bully, Lawrence, proceeded to laugh. "Well, it looks like little Johnny wants to start something," he said, "Come on, boys, let's teach this little bitch his place." You were walking home at the time, and you had reached an alleyway. You felt some doubt inside of you, realizing that you probably couldn't take all three of them at once. Seriously, three seventh graders against one sixth grader? It doesn't sound fair at all. They had begun to corner you, but you couldn't find it in you to be scared. Instead, every emotion inside of you was replaced with anger. You looked at them and walked backwards, breath becoming ragged. An inhuman growl emitted from your throat, and you felt like you couldn't control yourself anymore. You stopped in your place for a brief moment, and smiled a mischievous smile. You slowly walked towards them, but your mind went blank before you could do anything else.

What had only felt like two seconds later were actually three minutes. You regained control of your body, and your mind was no longer blank. You were panting heavily and were able to catch a glimpse of three boys running away. Looking down at your hands, your heart stopped. There was blood. Everywhere. All over the floor, and you hadn't gotten a single scratch on you. Slowly, you rose from your spot on the ground, taking in the scene before you.

You ran home as fast as you could.

"John, what happened?" Your dad's voice had broken you out of your thoughts. You looked up from the pillow and at your dad. You hadn't realized you were crying until your dad began to wipe your tears away. "There's blood all over you, John, what the hell happened?!" He was scared, you felt it in his voice. At the moment, you weren't able to think straight, and proceeded to say the first thing that came to your twelve-year-old mind. "Dad, what am I?" He looked shocked from your question, also currently unable to form any coherent words. He stared into your abnormally deep, blue eyes for a moment, searching for something, anything. Once it seemed futile, he sighed and whispered, "I guess you're old enough to know now."

You were utterly baffled. What the hell didn't you know? What had he kept from you all this time? "W-what?" You asked, confused and scared out of your mind. "Dad, what are you talking about?"

He held onto your hands while you continued to give him an expression of sheer confusion. After a moment of silence, he finally begun to speak. "Have you ever wondered what happened to your mother, son?" You swallowed nervously, nodding slowly for him to continue. "Well, she gave her life to bring you to this world. There was no way she could have made it, and I don't want you blaming yourself for what I'm about to say next, alright?" He spoke calmly, but you sensed the nervousness within him. You searched his features, just like he searched yours, but the result was the same. "Okay," you managed to whisper.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He sighed once more before continuing. "John, when your mother was pregnant, something happened. Something that she never got a chance to say to me." A pause. "But once you were born, I had understood. You were... different. Your mom hadn't made it because she wanted you to have a chance to live." You scrunched up your eyebrows, growing rather impatient. You began to speak harshly at him. "Dad, there's something else, something you're not telling me. Stop hiding it, just--"

"John, you're not normal. You're a demon." he finally said. All of the blood drained out of your face and you felt yourself begin to grow dizzy. "N-no, this is a joke right?" You got off of the couch and walked backwards toward the front door. You began to laugh. "This is all a big joke and you're about to say 'just kidding, son!'" Your back hit the door, your father's expression never changing.

"John, I'm not joking."

"You have to be kidding! Really? A demon? That's not even possible, demons don't exist! I'm not one of those things, dad! I swear, I'm normal!"

Your dad slowly rose and walked over to you. "No, son, it's all real. I would have absolutely no reason to lie to you."

Your breathing became ragged while you tried to tell your heart to calm the fuck down. You slowly slid down until you were sitting, your hands gripping your hair tightly. 'It's a dream', you tried to tell yourself, 'it's all a dream and you'll just wake up any minute now." Except it wasn't. You realized that this was all real once it had been about five minutes of you panicking. A sob escaped your throat, and you began to cry.

For you, this was the end. It was all over for you; your life, your happiness, your entire existence had been meaningless. All because of three little words. You were shattered at that moment, even while your dad hugged you and told you that it was okay. It was all going to be okay. But you knew it wouldn't be. You felt it. You just wished you could go back to the times when you woke up to the smell of pancakes, pretending to hate it so your dad could chase you around the house until you finally gave in. You didn't want this, you wanted to be normal again. But realization struck you with more pain than a knife to the heart.

You never were to begin with.

 

\--

 

"Dad, why the hell do we have to do this anyways?" You complained. You, Kankri and your dad were walking two houses down with an assload of shit.

"Come on, Karkat, they're new around here. We might as well make them feel welcome, don't you think?"

"Welcome my ass, no one ever did anything like that with us."

"Well it's not about everyone else, it's about us being generous enough not to hoard any of this stuff for ourselves."

You groaned loudly. What the fuck was the point of something like this? "Hi, yeah, you're new, so we're just going to give you a bunch of shit to put in a house you haven't even properly settled into yet." Wow, what a welcome. They should've moved into a different neighborhood. What's so good about yours? Your neighborhood is really quiet, houses separated very far from each other to allow for more space and privacy. Which means, if you want to walk two houses down to a new neighbor, you better be ready to have the exercise of a lifetime, you unfit, antisocial loser.

Wait, what the hell?

"Dad, it is cold as hell outside and we're practically carrying an entire goddamn bakery with us to some random stranger's house. Don't you think it would've been way smarter to take the car?"

Your dad stopped walking, contemplating your question. "Huh," he breathed, "I hadn't thought of that." He gave a throaty chuckle for a few seconds and eventually added, "Well, tough shit. We're already halfway there, so there's no point in turning back now."

You swear to God himself that your dad loves to watch you fucking suffer sometimes. It's ten in the goddamn morning and he's making you do this kind of shit, on a Saturday no less. Who the fuck is even awake this early on a Saturday anyways? One of these days you're going to buy an enormous snake and place it on his bed while he's sleeping, so that hopefully he'll wake up without his--

"Karkat, if I may interrupt your intense glaring at dad for a moment," inquired Kankri. You focused your anger on him now, throwing in a growl just for the hell of it. "No, you may not interrupt, because chances are once you start running your trap, you'll never stop," you snapped.

"Oh nonsense, all good things must come to an end eventually."

"You cocky bastard, when the hell did anything that came out of your obnoxious mouth become good?"

"Boys," your dad interjected, "if you could quit fighting, that'd be great. "

"Why the hell?" You asked. He turned around and gave you a Hispanic glare that scared you shitless. "Sorry," you managed to squeak out. It was pathetic how easy it was for your dad to shut you up and scare you, considering that you were always in an argument with someone almost 24/7. Damn that Cuban attitude. "Because, Karkat, we're here."

Your dad proceeded to walk up to the door and knock on it. In a few seconds, the door was opened by a middle aged man wearing a fedora. He greeted you all with a humble smile and a nod. "Hello, how may I help you folks today?"

"Hi," your dad greeted back, "We live two houses down and wanted to ask if anyone had welcomed you to the neighborhood yet." A bullshit lie, of course, because the only reason you guys came was to say "sup" and throw some cake and pastries in their arms so you could leave and never come back again. Ever. Seriously, you wanted to go home and sleep so bad that you were willing to do anything.

"Karkat," mumbed Kankri. You jumped a bit at the comment, not expecting him to have been so close to you. "W-what?" You stuttered. You looked at your dad, who was waiting expectantly for you to give him the plate. "Oh, rignt, sorry." You handed it off, noticing a bit of movement from the space between the man and the door. You glanced inside quickly, not expecting anything more than a dog or a kid.

 _Hold the fucking phone,_ you thought. You did a double take, glancing inside once more. Your eyes widened and you froze.  
Holy shit.

"Karkat, language!" Chastised your brother quietly. Did you say that last part out loud? Whoops.

"Karkat?" Called a familiar voice inside the house. You looked at the figure, not bothering to relax at all. Holy fucking shit, you're screwed.

"John?"


	6. Rice Pudding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I hate myself so much for not updating this sooner. I started writing this yesterday and just finished editing it and such. I hope you like it, it's one of my favorite chapters so far!
> 
> Enjoy!

You stood there, just looking at him. _This is bad,_ you thought, _this is really fucking bad._ On the contrary, this could be an excellent way to get closer to John.

Jesus be with you, you really fucking hope he's not straight.

"So you two already know each other?"

A voice freed you from your thoughts. You realized that it was your dad speaking, but someone else responded first. "Yeah," John said, "he's my friend!" It doesn't even annoy you how goddamn ecstatic he sounded anymore, it just makes you want to smile.

So that's what you did. You smiled.

But sweet mother Teresa was it a horrible time to do so.

Your father and Kankri gave you this look that you knew had to do with that fucking smile. What in God's name is so wrong with smiling every once in a while? Fucking hell, you're a colossal thundercunt your entire life and you can't even smile one time without everyone shitting their pants. "What?" You say, obviously ticked off.

"Nothing," Kankri replied, practically giving himself whiplash with how fast he jerked his head forward. Your dad snorted, but attempted to hold his laugh in. You rolled your eyes at how immensely childish your family is. A quiet chuckle was heard at the front door, making all three of you turn your heads to John's father.

"Well thank you very much for these gifts, and thank you for welcoming us to the neighborhood," he said.

"We'll be on our way then. Let us know if you need anything," your dad replied.

"Bye, Karkat!" You heard John exclaim. Shit, you have to do something. _Speak, dumbass! You don't get a chance like this everyday!_ Before his dad closed the door and your family could walk away, you blurted out something both ridiculous and genius.

"H-hey, why don't you guys join us for dinner tonight?"

Everyone was stunned, but all you could think was 'God damn it, Karkat, you did it again.' Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

\--

Everyone thought your idea was swell. Once you got home, your dad went out to do God knows what, you decided to cook the meal and bake the dessert, and Kankri decided to clean the house. However, there is currently one more person in your home who you are not particularly fond of. Said person is your brother's boyfriend.

This jackass had the audacity to go and do something that everyone in your family knows never to even think about unless they want to lose all of their fingers.

"WHO IN POSEIDON'S SALTY ASSHOLE SAID YOU HAD PERMISSION TO TAKE ONE OF MY GODDAMN PASTRIES, CRONUS AMPORA?!"

Cronus cheeses it out of the kitchen, most likely to wherever Kankri currently resides. He's laughing, you can hear the shitstain from--

Holy shit, the fucker's in your room.

"I WILL GAUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH A RUSTY SPOON AND SHOVE THEN DOWN YOUR THROAT IF YOU EVEN STEP FOOT IN MY ROOM, YOU SLEAZY ASSMUNCHER!" These aren't empty threats, by the way. You always keep a rusty spoon nearby just in case.

Luckily, you have one tucked away in your nightstand for occasions like these. Cronus stopped dead in his tracks, eyes widening in what looks like fear.

Perfect.

You walk into your room, where Kankri is busy dusting the furniture. "Big brother," you begin sweetly, "can you possibly move away from the nightstand for a few seconds?" You give him that 'innocent-little-brother' look that he simply cannot resist no matter the circumstance. He looks at you blankly before stating, "Karkat, I have confiscated your spoon to prevent getting blood on the carpet. Honestly, have you any idea how difficult it is to remove blood stains from any type of fabric or carpet? It's absolutely despicable, as well as tedious, to sit down and attempt to get rid of it without completely destroying the carpet itself."

"Is that literally all ya care about, Kan? Your brother just threatened my gorgeous eyes with a rusty spoon!" Whined Cronus.

"Cronus," you began softly, "I'm giving you thirty seconds to put that pastry back on the plate in the kitchen before I decide to serve your fucking entrails as the main course instead." You turn and glare at him viciously. He gives you a smug smile and slowly begins to lift the pastry to his lips.

"Oh dear," you hear Kankri say. "Cronus, darling, if you value your life, you'll do as he says." The fucker kept going. He's trying to piss you off, you can just feel how easy this is for him.

"One more fucking centimeter, Cronus Ampora, and I'll skin you alive."

He ate it.

"Cronus, you fool," Kankri whispered.

"You better run, fuckface," you warned.

Your dad came home to you chasing Cronus around the house with yet another rusty spoon you had acquired from the kitchen.

\--

Your dad sent you and Cronus to your room. Kankri was still standing in it, stunned that Cronus was alive and still had his eyeballs intact. You fell onto your bed with a sigh, the blue-eyed fucker sitting to your right. All of that running was exhausting, but it was for a good cause. You couldn't let that pastry die without being recognized for its deliciousness. You sit up long enough to punch Cronus in the arm. Ah well, at least you could still punch hard as hell.

"Jesus, kid, what are your fists made of, bricks?" Cronus hissed.

"Fuck you, Ampora," you muttered. Kankri laughed quietly before sitting down next to you. "You two are so childish," he said. You grunted at him and asked, "Seriously, Kankri, what the hell do you even see in this douchebag?"

Your brother seemed to think about this question for a bit, even though you were pretty sure he knew the answer from the start. "Well, he's very handsome, charming, and an overall wonderful person, Karkat."

You stared at him before asking another question. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is it that everyone has it so easy when it comes to relationships?"

"Karkat, does this have to do with that boy?" Kankri inquired.

"Oooh, Karkat has a crush," Cronus said teasingly.

"Shut up, jackass, I'm still mad at you," you snapped.

"If it makes ya feel any better, that pastry was fuckin' incredible."

"Anyways," Kankri continued, "John seems like a very nice young man, Karkat. He's handsome, too."

"Hey," Cronus interfered, "you're only allowed to call me handsome, Kan."

"Keep it in your pants, fuckass," you said. Honestly, you're sick of this shit. Not Cronus's shit, deep down inside he's kind of like a brother to you. But you'll ever admit that out loud, because then you'll never hear the end of it. He's been dating Kankri since high school, so it's been quite a few years.

The shit you're actually sick of is life's shit. The world is just dead set on fucking you over in more ways than you can even imagine. Social life? Fuck that. A normal family? Yeah, no.

Love?

You've tried. You still try to convince yourself that love is not a bad thing, actually. But the closest thing you can get to love is watching an abundance of rom-com movies. You had a girlfriend once, but even she knew that she deserved better. She never said this to you, though. You just felt it rather than heard it.

After that heartache, you kind of gave up on love entirely. It's basically like giving everything you've got to the person you love and then getting stabbed several times in the chest.

And now, your afraid of it. You're afraid of having your heart ripped out by someone else, afraid that if you try to make it work, you'll only make it worse.

Most importantly, though, you're afraid to love anyone at all.

No, your terrified of it.

And you'd rather spend the rest of your life alone with one heartbreak than alone with several.

After she left you, you were more broken than before you met her.

That's actually the reason why she left you in the first place: she couldn't fix you.

But who needs to be fixed anyways? It's not like you miss being a regular person.

You can't miss something you never were to begin with.

\--

You, John Egbert, are in love with this dessert.

You have no idea what the hell it is, but your dad said something about rice pudding. Son of a bitch, it's so creamy and good.

"John, pace yourself, your going to get a stomach ache," your father warned.

"Not a chance in hell," you mumbled with your mouth full. Swallowing, you added, "You don't get desserts like this everyday, Dad. Especially not for free."

Your dad sighed. Honestly, even you knew you were a handful at times. Once you hit puberty, your appetite doubled to that of an overweight land animal. It's a good thing you work out, or else you'd look like an overweight land animal as well.

"Oh shit," you said with your mouth once again stuffed with rice pudding.

"Watch your language, young man," your dad scolded.

"Sorry. It's just that I can't really believe someone actually invited us to dinner. At their house. And they barely even know us!"

"On the contrary," your father began, "didn't you say that Karkat was your friend? It's natural for someone to invite their friend over."

You smiled at the thought. Karkat was your friend. You actually made a friend other than Dave, Rose, and Jade! At a new school, no less! It's a big accomplishment for you. You haven't made a genuine friend in ages. You've always been scared that you'd hurt them.

"Oh fuck me," you groaned before practically slamming your head on the counter.

"John!"

"Sorry!"

You hadn't thought about that. If you and Karkat are friends now, that means you're going to have to keep the "other you" a secret. And boy, do you hate keeping secrets. That, and you suck ass at keeping them, too.

No wonder you never wanted any friends. It's so fucking stressful keeping things from them because it's like lying to their face. John Egbert is many things, but he is not a liar.

You groaned loudly once more and began to shovel more rice pudding in your mouth.

"John?" Your dad asked softly. "What's wrong, son?"

"This is why I don't have friends, Dad," you mumbled.

"Because you're inhaling rice pudding?"

"No, Dad, it's because I don't want to keep anything from them. What do I do if they ask me? I'm bad at lying, you know that. Eventually I'll crack and say everything. Aren't friends supposed to tell each other everything anyways?"

"Well no, not always. Sometimes it's alright to keep things to yourself, John. No one can force you to talk."

You ran a hand through your hair. It must be only you having this dilemma. Everyone else would be thrilled to make a new friend, but you aren't them.

"I don't lie, Dad. An Egbert never lies," you whispered.

"Well, it's not considered lying if you haven't said anything. It's just keeping something to yourself."

You looked at your dad for a moment, taking in the words he just spoke. He's right, which doesn't surprise you anymore, because he's always right about things like this. You turned your gaze down to the bowl of rice pudding in front of you.

Well, the empty bowl that used to contain rice pudding.

"...Dad, did I really eat the entire bowl of rice pudding?" You asked, completely baffled.

Your father simply laughed before walking over to you. "Yes, son," he chuckled, "you did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the dinner scene. I'll try to update it as soon as possible, I swear! 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me even when I was being a procrastinating butt muncher.
> 
> Also, thank you for the kudos, bookmarks, and comments! I love receiving each and every one of them!


	7. Dinner Dilemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a complete scumbag for not getting this out earlier, but I really do hope you enjoy nonetheless. I'll try and begin writing the next chapter sometime tomorrow, and probably even come up with an official update day. 
> 
> Enjoy!

A knock at the door alerted the house of the arrival of the two guests. "I've got it," you announced, walking over to the door. You unlock it and open it up, and sure enough the Egberts are standing in front of you.

"Hello, Karkat," John's dad greeted warmly.

"Hi, guys," you replied, "come on in and make yourselves at home."

You walk over to Kankri's room to see if he's gotten ready. "Kankri, are you done?"

"Yes, come in," you hear from the other side of the door. Upon entering, you see your brother dressed quite nice. Also in the room is Cronus, who was apparently invited to dinner even after the rusty spoon incident. It's the fucking vests that they're both wearing that nearly kills you. "Jesus Christ, a vest? Really Kankri?"

"Is it too much? Should I take it off? Oh dear, I should have thought about this," he blabbered. You roll your eyes at your brother's nonsense. There's nothing wrong with the vest, it's just that you could've used a warning before your heart decided to perform a little musical number. Sweet baby Jesus, have you ever seen a guy in a vest? Fucking incredible.

"Kankri, the vest is fine. It's just your shitty boyfriend that kind of kills it," you joke. At that, Cronus glares at you. "You're one to talk, Mr. Hoodie," he shoots back.

"Hey, you know hoodies are the only things that look good on me," you snap.

"That is most certainly false, Karkat," Kankri intervenes. "You look wonderful in a suit."

You blush a little. "Kankri, do you expect me to wear a suit to a casual dinner?" Kankri looks to be deep in thought for a moment. As if a light bulb just went off in his head, he beams and turns to his closet. He begins to rummage through his abundance of sweaters, mumbling quietly to himself about the whereabouts of a"button-up shirt".

And then everything clicks.

"Oh god," you grunt. "Kankri, no. Stop looking for whatever the hell you're trying to find, I'm not changing." Seriously, what was wrong with the black hoodie you had on now? It looked fine. Kankri turned to you, button-up shirt in hand. He smiles at you and you freeze. You know that smile like the back of your hand, and it is anything but warm and inviting.

"Karkat," he begins sweetly,"you're changing out of that hoodie one way or another."

You take a step back, a shiver running down your spine. Fuck your family for being born Hispanic, they're all psychopaths. "Y-you can't make me do that," you stutter.

"Try me." Kankri's entire expression switches from threatening to murderous in a span of two seconds.

To Cronus, you probably look like a frightened bunny. In fact, you hear him snickering right now. You make a mental note to kick him in the shin later. Your back hits the wall and you slowly start to curl in on yourself. Shooting one final glance to Cronus, you see that he actually looks worried and a tad frightened.

"Oh shit," you murmur.

\-- John --

You hear a few screams and banging coming from the room Karkat disappeared into moments ago. "Uh," you turn your attention to Karkat's dad. "Is he okay?" You inquire. His dad sighs. "Yeah," he says. "It's nothing to worry about."

"O-oh, alright then." It worried you more that he brushed it off as if it were a normal occurrence. Suddenly, the door to the room opens and Karkat steps out. He changed his shirt by the looks of it, and is now wearing a red button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. You would say that he looks stunning, but immediately become concerned when you look at his face.

Jesus, who murdered his puppy?

"Karkat, are you okay?" You ask. He snaps his head up to meet your eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine, how are you?" He says quickly. You are tempted to cradle his face gently with your hands and stare into his eyes all night, but that might make him -and everyone else in the room- much more uncomfortable. You hate it when he's anything but happy, and you intend to help him however you can.

In an effort to try and keep your hands off of his cheeks, you chose to instead poke his nose. "You're looking down in the dumps, Karkat. How about turning that frown upside down?" You smile. His face turns red and his eyes widen.

Oops.

Did you cross a line? You're really bad at sensing someone's boundaries most of the time. Before you could apologize, however, Karkat smiled brightly and giggled.

Okay, wow he's fucking cute.

"Happy now?" He grinned. Goodness, how the hell did they expect you to survive this night if Karkat was here? You're going to do or say something incredibly stupid before you go home, you can practically sense it.

But for now, you decided to just go with the flow.

"Yes," you replied with your signature buck-toothed grin, "I am."

\-- Karkat --

As you all sat down for dinner and began to eat, conversation flowed evenly throughout the table.

"Karkat, your cooking is delightful," Kankri complimented. "I'm incredibly blithesome to be sitting here and eating this wonderful meal. Aren't you, Cronus?"

"Uh, Kankri, I hate to burst your blithesome bubble, but I don't think Cronus knows what that word means," you replied as innocent as possible.

Cronus looked furious. "I do too!" He snapped at you. Christ, he's as immature and threatening as a child.

"Oh really?" You shot back. "Enlighten me. How do you know the word then, Cronus?"

He glared at you once more and looked down at his plate. "It was the dictionary word of the day yesterday," he mumbled while picking at his food.

Kankri laughed so hard he cried.

\--

Eventually, Mr. Egbert asked you a question (which you were immensely grateful for. Seriously, you'd do anything to stop talking to Cronus).

"Karkat," he said, "I wasn't aware you fancied cooking. When did you learn?"

"Oh, I had to be about ten. It was right after my-"

Your dad gave you a look.

"-birthday. I asked my dad to teach me." Thank god you dodged that bullet. You didn't really need anymore dead-mom sympathy. Plus your dad looked really upset before you had the chance to blurt that last part out loud.

"Well I think that's wonderful," Mr. Egbert replied. He chuckled to himself and asked you one more question. "You don't seem to get along very well with your brother's friend, huh?"

"Oh, Cronus? Of course not, he's a bi-"

This time, your dad gave you his famous Hispanic glare.

"-g booty cake."

Cronus stared at you in awe, and this time John joined Kankri in his laughter.

\--

Dinner went surprisingly well, save for the few near-death encounters you faced with your dad. You had a great time, but you're kind of upset that John has to leave already.

"I have an idea," your dad spoke up. "Why doesn't John stay the night? It's still Saturday, so it shouldn't be a problem at all."

God bless your dad.

"Oh, I don't know," Mr. Egbert said. "You've all been so kind already."

Well, shit on your parade.

"But," he continued, "maybe Karkat would like to stay over instead?"

Scratch that, stuff that shit back where it came from, your parade has been saved.

Your dad seemed to contemplate this idea for a while. Actually, it was as if he was never going to provide an answer.

"Dad," you whispered, "dile algo." You'd rather say it in Spanish, just so you don't seem too pushy in English. They looked American enough, so they most likely didn't know a lick of Spanish. John gave you a questioning look at your words, as if he wanted you to translate for him.

As if you would.

"Are you sure we wouldn't be imposing?" Your dad finally answered.

"Nonsense," Mr. Egbert replied, "he can come over as often as he likes. The same goes for all of you." And of course, his hospitality wouldn't be complete without a smile. It's like the man has never felt anything other than happiness, but you're absolutely positive that that's not the case.

It's impossible to be happy all of the time, you know from experience. Something always comes along and takes it away from you.

Just like when time takes away your childhood too fast, or when a person destroys your hopes and dreams. It happens so quick sometimes that you barely have enough time to react.

You wished you knew why it was always you or someone close to you, but alas, that's for the universe to know and for you to never find out.

And you often find yourself begrudgingly accepting this fact, which is one of the most depressing actions of all.

"Karkat," your dad said, snapping you out of your reverie. "Go get your stuff, they're waiting for..." he stopped talking, choosing instead to look at you. "Son, are you okay?"

You snapped your head up to look him in the eye. "Huh?" You choked out. Oh, you're getting emotional again. Damn, you really hoped something like this wouldn't happen. You wiped away the few tears that escaped your eyes and answered, "I'm fine."

You ran off to your room, but not before catching a glimpse of royal blue eyes staring back at you.

\--

You shut the door, all the while cursing under your breath at your inability to keep your emotions hidden for more than a day.

Stopping in your tracks, you realized you had no idea what to bring to a sleepover. Hell, this is the first sleepover you've ever had in your entire life.

It sounds depressing, yeah, but you've never been one to sleep in a house that wasn't your own. You've only ever hung out with Sollux or Gamzee at their house for a few hours, but that was before they both went batshit insane.

Wonderful, you're crying again. Why, though? Why now when people are waiting for you outside? You guess it's because you haven't felt this lost and uncomfortable in a long time.

Maybe you should just call it off, because you might just end up sobbing into John's nice shirt in a few moments.

"No," you whispered. You'd be damned if you let an opportunity like this slip by. You took a deep breath, sucked it up like a man, and began to unbutton your shirt. You'd rather be in something a little less dressy when you walk out of your room. Changing into an over-sized black sweater, you grabbed a fairly adequate messenger bag from your closet, stuffing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt in it. You slip on a pair of converse and walk out of your room.

 _Just relax and make it seem like you're fine,_ you thought. You speed walk into the bathroom adjacent to your room and grab your toothbrush, as well as a travel-sized tube of toothpaste.

You stop in front of the mirror and examine your reflection. No good word comes to mind. Your eyes are a bit red and puffy from your short breakdown a few minutes ago, and your hair is a mess like always.

Oh well, nothing you can do about that now.

You join the group of people in the other room and force a smile. Except, when you meet John's eyes one again, your smile slowly becomes genuine, much like his.

"I'm ready," you announced, never once looking away from that beautiful boy you fell in love with.

You guess even you are allowed a bit of happiness every now and then, and you're grateful to the universe for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Dile algo" translates to "tell him/her something", just in case some of you didn't know. If I ever type a phrase or word in Spanish, just know that it'll always be at the end. 
> 
> Also, the meal that Karkat had made consisted of a traditional Hispanic dish: Rice, beans, and sweet plantains (maduros). Karkat also made dessert, which was, of course, those guava pastries mentioned in the last chapter. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for all if the likes, kudos, and comments that you guys leave, they mean the world to me!
> 
> Next time, join Karkat and John in their sleepover fiasco as many things occur, including feelings jams and awkward moments!


	8. Broken Perfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, I finally updated early! I've decided that perhaps I'll upload these chapters every Wednesday, so stay tuned for more! I made this chapter pretty long, so I hope it's to your liking.
> 
> Enjoy!

Woah.

Like, holy shit.

Okay, you may have seen just the front of their house, but it looks hella big on the inside. Not even shitting you, it's like one of your houses right on top of the other. Damn, these guys must be loaded.

Not that you care, it's just new to you. All your life you've lived in your house, never once moving. Your dad never really had the money, or a good reason for that matter. Plus the mortgage is paid off, which is more than enough of a reason to stay.

The short car ride was uncomfortably silent, no music playing or conversations being held. But once you guys had gotten out of the car and walked to the front of the extravagant house, things got a little bit better.

"Feel free to make yourself at home, Karkat," came the humble welcome of John's father. However, this isn't how you were raised. No matter how welcome you feel, you must always act like it's your first time going over a person's house.

As a child, going over someone's house was extremely uncomfortable. Whenever the host would offer you a beverage, you had to look at your father for approval. If he shook his head, then you had to say, "no, thank you." You could be extremely dehydrated and you would still have to silently ask your dad for permission. Nowadays, you'd rather starve at a person's house than ask for food. And God forbid they pay for you while going out, you and your entire family would have a heart attack. The damage would be so great that you would all have them at the same time. Goodbye, family. Adios. Rest in peace. You've been payed for, it's time to crawl under a hole and rot for eternity, for there is no greater humiliation for a Cuban than not paying for yourself. Your family will soon feel the pain and follow suit.

You're pretty sure that's just a Hispanic thing, because your Spanish teacher told you that he endured the same hardships as you did.

The large flight of stairs is the first thing you see when you enter. Three large tile steps lead up to the rest of the wooden staircase. To your left was the foyer, complete with a fireplace against the wall and a couch in the middle facing the window. It was a quaint foyer, pretty ironic. The ceiling was still very high up, so that kind of killed the quaint vibe. Behind the foyer was the dining room, and to your right was a hall that led to a room. It also branched off to the left to another room that you have yet to see.

"Come on, Karkat," John called. "I'll show you around."

He gave you a tour of his house, which might as well have been the equivalent to a goddamn museum. When entering the dining room, the kitchen was connected to the right two steps in. The kitchen itself was larger than yours and was also connected to the living room. A coffee table was placed near the window, to the left of the entrance. The living room had a large couch, as well as an armchair and a flat screen television. Bookshelves upon bookshelves were also against the walls with an abundance of movies.

Jesus, these people must have been fucking rich. It turns out the stairwell also branched into the living room, making it quicker to go upstairs. The backyard had a patio and was closed off with a white picket fence. It was an average backyard, smaller than yours. Fuck, at least you had something bigger than they did.

And then you went upstairs. Four rooms. Two with double doors. Holy tentsquatting assbitching shitcrisp. Yes, because the best way to seem like humble Americans was to flaunt your wealth in front of others.

At the top of the stairs, three rooms and a bathroom were visible. To the right of you was a large room with, yes, double doors. It had a bookcase next to it filled with anything but books. In front of you was a few other bookcases actually being used correctly, thank God. To your left was yet another double-doored room, and a smaller room in the corner. The bathroom was between that room and John's room, the only room not currently visible. If you had a dollar for every time you cursed since you walked in, you'd be rich.

Actually, no, you'd only have eight dollars.

Well, shit.

Nine.

You're making it your personal goal to get to fifty by the time you leave.

\--

Once you'd settled into John's room after insisting that you'd much rather not sleep in one of the guest rooms alone in this big ass (ten) mansion, John seemed to remember your little scene back at your house.

"Karkat, is there anything wrong?" He asked.

You looked up from the sheet of paper you were counting your swears on. Confused, you raised an eyebrow.

"I-I mean, uh, y'know... before we left your house you were kind of crying."

Oh right, that. You sighed. "I was just... thinking." You mutter.

"Thinking?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay."

An awkward silence hung between you for a while. It seemed like almost an hour passed by before John broke the silence, but it had only been about a minute or two.

"What were you thinking about?" He murmured.

Your heart skipped a beat. You never talked about your problems to anyone other than Gamzee or Sollux. Occasionally Kankri, and only with your dad when it's really serious and making you uncomfortable.

But not this. Not fucking this. You write a dash on the paper. You trust John, but you can barely trust yourself with this. Thinking about the day that you cut yourself... all of the red... it scares the shit out of you.

Another dash. You can't handle your thoughts, your emotions, your fears, even though you desperately wish you could. It's extremely infuriating and practically drives you insane.

But the sight of your blood... the mere thought of that red fluid that keeps you alive, it...

Your body begins to shake. 'Oh fuck,'you think. Dash. 'Shit, keep it together, Vantas.' Dash. , 'Just don't think about it. Don't think about it and you'll be fine. It's just... blood...'

You drop the pen and paper in favor of running your fingers through your hair. Well, tug on your hair is more like it. You might as well yank it off with how hard you're pulling. But if you yank too hard you might start to bleed...

Your breathing becomes ragged, and your heart rate speeds up. Dammit. You slowly reach down to pick up the pen, writing down a shaky dash. You try to regulate your breathing, but it's not working. Nothing seems to be working. Trying to get your mind off of it just leads you back to the godforsaken topic one way or another. You slide off the bed and onto the floor. You're sweating now and you feel extremely uncomfortable, stomach churning at the thought of... You decide to close your eyes.

You can't do this, it's too much. You want to go home. You want to hug Kankri or your dad until it's all better. You don't want this. You'd pick anything over this. Your heart feels like a drum pounding against your chest. You feel like you're going to throw up any minute now.

"I dont-" you choke out, "I don't want this." You're sobbing now, completely forgetting about your friend or the carpet that you're soaking with your tears.

This is shit. This is total bullshit. Two dashes. Ever since you came home from the hospital that day, your life was a nightmare. Not just because you could barely walk within three feet of a sharp object without Kankri or your dad watching you like hawks, but now you can't even watch someone play a videogame without practically throwing up in your lap.

It's always this bad, too. Every scrape or cut drives you mad within seconds. Sometimes you just hyperventilate and cry; other times you spend close to an hour in the bathroom vomiting or just screaming. You faint a lot as well. Usually you can't even call out to anyone before passing out for a while.

You never wanted this. You wanted to come home that day and convince yourself to change or be happier or some optimistic bullshit like that (18).

You feel arms envelop you in warmth, and you embrace it. Your body slumps and you hug back tightly.

"Please don't cry," you hear John whisper. "I hate seeing you cry."

Despite his pleading, you begin to cry harder. You hate this. You hate being afraid of blood. Jesus, you're starting to feel really bad right now. He shouldn't have to deal with seeing his friend break down in front of him. And it's all because you're a coward.

Fuck hemophobia.

You make a mental note to scribble another dash on the paper.

"You'll be okay, Karkat." John begins to rub circles on your back, which actually helps you calm down quite a bit. "I'll help you through this. I swear. I'm sorry."

His apology made you look up from his shoulder. Why is he apologizing? "What?" You croaked out.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should have never asked you about something so personal. I just wanted you to be okay, you know?" You look into his eyes, a sad, royal blue. He looks about ready to cry.

Your eyes widen and you immediately stop crying. "N-no, John, this isn't your f-fault," you sniff. You wipe your eyes and nose. "This h-happens a lot, it's fine."

"But why?" He asked. "What were you even thinking about that made you cry?"

You looked away, ashamed. You read online that it was quite common to be afraid of your own blood, but it still felt so wrong. "Hem-hemophobia," you stammered. You looked up at John. He was searching your expression, trying to find something. You don't know what, but you don't really care. His eyes are so pretty, you just want to look at them all day...

"Okay," he finally said. Placing both of his hands on your cheeks, he wiped the tears from your face. Helping you stand up, he said,"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." He led you out of his room and into the bathroom. Turning on the light on his way in, he let go of your hand in order to turn the sink on. You wash your face quickly and he hands you a towel.

"Let's go to sleep, okay? It's been a long day," he told you. Sleep sounded delightful at the moment, so you didn't bother arguing.

You both change into comfortable clothing and fall onto the queen-sized bed. It smelled so nice, just like John. So comfy. You snuggled into the comforter and close your eyes. Today could've gone better, but you can't complain right now. At least you have John. You were about to fall asleep when you suddenly remember something.

"Oh!" You jump out of the bed. John was startled out of his drowsy state. "What?" He asked. You find the piece of paper and pen and quickly draw a dash.

Ever since he handed you that piece of paper, John has been very confused about your actions. Frankly, you don't give a damn. Dash. There, that makes twenty.

You get up from the floor and crawl back onto the bed with John. It feels a little weird sleeping in the same bed with your crush, but you're tired and you couldn't care less. You're both on your sides, facing each other. You attempt a small smile.

"Thanks, John," you whisper.

He grins at you. "Anytime. Goodnight, Karkat."

You close your eyes and hum in delight. You're really glad that's over with. But you're even more glad that John was the one that helped you through it. He made you feel safe, and you couldn't ask for anything more.

"Goodnight, John."

With those last few words hanging in the air, you fell asleep.

\-- John --

"Oh John, fuck me," you heard Karkat moan. He was sitting right next to you, his hands getting dangerously close to your nether regions.

You're used to these kind of dreams by now, so you always let it happen. Hell, you're practically conscious when they occur. They always end with the same outcome: something weird as hell ends the dream and you never get the release you desire most.

"Oh, fuck me," you hear Karkat whimper. Oh my god, he's crying.

Wow, talk about a total boner killer.

He's holding his face now, shielding those beautiful brown eyes. "Fuck me," he begins to repeat. He's digging his nails into his skin, and it's starting to peel. Along with it, your concern is starting to grow.

"Karkat, no." You reach out to grab his hands, but he pushes you away with enough force to tip a cow over.

He's still saying those two words over and over again. His blood is trickling down his face, mixing with his tears.

It's a lot to take in at once. Karkat's practically ripping his goddamn face off, even though this started out as a pretty good dream.

"I don't want this," you hear him say. "I don't want this," he says louder.

He continues to repeat the phrase louder each time until he's screaming it.

Everything is becoming black, Karkat is fading away, and the last thing you remember hearing was your own ragged breathing.

\--

You woke up with a jolt, sweaty and out of breath. The only difference is that you didn't wake up with a boner this time, only confusion and fear.

You look to your right, where Karkat should be sleeping.

He's not there.

Shit.

You remove the comforter from your body and get out of bed. Maybe he just went to the bathroom.

You leave your room and silently thank whoever decided to give you better vision in the dark, because Jesus Christ, it makes a difference.

You don't see the light on in the bathroom and you don't hear anything in there either. Where could he be? He couldn't have gone home, his bag is still here. Plus it has to be about two or three in the morning. Who would walk home that late, anyways?

You hear a cabinet open downstairs.

Next, the refrigerator opens.

'What the hell?' You think.

You quietly make your way down the stairs, carefully skipping over the steps that creak. You go down the rest of the steps to the right, ending up in the living room. It feels like you're hunting something, even if that something is either your dad, your best friend, or an intruder.

The lights are all off in the house, including the ones in the kitchen. Not a soul is in sight, nor a cup out of place.

Then what the hell was that noise?

Footsteps. You hear footsteps trailing up the stairs.

This is your chance to catch whatever's been making itself at home in your house.

Quietly walking back to the staircase, you chance a glance up. From your view, it's not that easy to see much at all. Nothing is in sight, actually.

You move your way up the steps slowly, the same exact way you went down. You were near the top of the stairs when a figure appeared in your line of sight. They looked familiar, but you didn't want them to get away when you had a chance to catch them.

Getting ready to pounce, you silently reach the top. The intruder is in the middle of the hallway, facing away from you. They seem deflated, as if they're hopeless, maybe even guilty. Nevertheless, you crawl your way towards them, and pounce.

A shriek is heard as you try to cease the person's movements. With their arms pinned above their head, you finally look at their face, and...

Oh.

Oops.

"John, what the hell?!" Karkat yells.

Son of a bitch, you did it again. "Uh, hey there, palhoncho. How's it hangin'?" You chuckle awkwardly.

The door to your dad's room opens quickly to reveal the man looking confused and worried. "What on Earth is--" he looks at you, then at Karkat, then back at you. You're both currently on the ground in a very compromising position, which probably didn't look too good to your dad.

"John, what are you doing," he deadpanned.

"Uh..." you struggle to find the right words for a moment before you find the perfect ones. "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits."

Karkat glares at you before saying, "I am not a tall, gray, insufferable animal that loves to torture hunters for entertainment," he reprimands, "I am a human being, damn you. Now get your ass off of me before I kick it off!"

"You're right, Karkat, there's something wrong with that description."

"Don't you dare say it, Egbert." If looks could kill, you'd be dead twice by now.

You dared anyways. "You're more like a cute, short, and brown bunny that loves to yell at people."

The words are out of your mouth before you realize what you've said. Karkat is staring back at you with wide eyes, utterly shocked. He's blushing, too.

It's okay, though, so are you.

Actually, that's not okay. Fuck, fix it now.

"Um..." Shit, you're still on top of him. You can't move, though. Your eyes are fixed on his, and you don't want to look away. If you do, he might take it the wrong way and think you're embarrassed for giving him a compliment, and you really, really like his eyes. You have no idea what to do now.

"Go to bed, boys," your dad says, leaning on the door frame. "You still have a few more hours to sleep before it's time to wake up." Bless Jesus himself for your father, for he is a saint and a true lifesaver. He is the real MVP (you've heard Dave say this quite a few times when talking about his bro).

You quickly climb off of Karkat and stand up. You offer him a hand, which he accepts. Your dad still hasn't moved from his spot, and his eyes haven't strayed from yours. Karkat walks into your room and looks to you for a minute, silently asking you if you're coming.

You nod in confirmation, but he seems to understand that you want a moment alone with your dad. He shuts the door and your dad turns on the hallway light.

"Ow!" You hiss. You shield your eyes from the dim, yet blinding light as your dad looks at you. "What the hell, dad? You know I have sensitive eyes!"

"Cute, huh?" He smirks.

"Oh god, please shut up," you groan. You cover your face with your hands to avoid giving your dad the satisfaction of seeing you blush.

He chuckles. "Not a chance. You shouldn't be getting embarrassed about things like this, John. It's perfectly normal for a boy your age to have a crush."

Okay, no, fuck those things you said about your dad being a saint. He is the devil and enjoys your suffering. Your father is Satan, and therefore you are the prince of Hell.

Oh, right. Oops.

Okay, your dad may not be Satan and you may not be the prince of Hell (even if you're kind of close to that, being a demon and all), but he is still such a major butt about things like this. You refuse to have this conversation this late at night, so you choose to open the door to your room instead.

"Goodnight, dad," you give up.

"Aw, I'm just telling you the truth, son! Don't get flustered over being in lo--"

"GOODNIGHT, DAD." You slammed the door behind you, opening it again to mutter an apology for doing something so rude to your father. You may be flustered, but you still have manners, dammit.

Your face feels like it's on fire, and you groan into your hands loudly.

"John?"

Ah, yes. Perfect timing, palhoncho. Congratulations for being so punctual as of now, you deserve a medal of recognition.

"Well gee, sorry for worrying about my best friend," you hear him sass. He sounds a little hurt.

"Fuck, did I say that out loud?" God, you are just a mess today.

"Yes, you did. But whatever, that's not important right now. Are you okay? You look so distressed."

Removing your hands from your face, you stare at him for a moment. You really appreciate his concern. You can tell that he's really worried about you, but you're alright, so there's nothing to worry about.

And you told him just that. He simply nodded and you both were draped in silence. He stood from your bed and walked up to you. Looking into your eyes for a moment, he did the thing you least expected him to do.

He wrapped his arms around your torso and squeezed gently. Resting his head on your chest, he whispered, "You know you can tell me anything, right, John? I'm here for you, and I always will be."

You were flabbergasted. Karkat truly was one of the most unpredictable human beings on Earth. But you loved him anyways, faults and all.

Because you truly believed that his faults were what made him perfect in every way. He was broken yet strong, rude yet kind. He was brave, but he was smart too. You can tell that he was the kind of person that never did things without a reason, and he always follows through with what he says he'll do. You admire his quirks and his perfections. You absolutely adore his smile and his laugh, and you find his height and his appearance very cute indeed.

He is more than you could ever ask for, but you would never turn down such a wonderful boy.

Your features soften and you smile down at him. Hugging him back, you reply, "I know, buddy, thanks. The same goes for you."

You both let go of each other and finally get to bed. The two of you get comfortable and Karkat begins to drift off. You watch him as his face relaxes and his breathing slows down to a calm, gentle rhythm. You're still smiling as you gently place your hand on his cheek. "Goodnight, darling," you whisper. You remove your hand and fall asleep with one final thought on your mind.

Your name is John Egbert and you are in love with a broken perfection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys ever have any ideas that you want to see in this fic, just let me know and try my best to find a spot for them! There was one that a user recommended, but it seems that I couldn't incorporate it into the story. I'm truly sorry, but I will eventually put it in, I promise!
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, and thank you for your kudos and comments. They are all much appreciated!
> 
> Until next Wednesday, peeps!


	9. Your Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Wednesday! Granted, I may be posting this around 12 or 1 in the morning, but it's still Wednesday nonetheless. Also, I'm extremely happy that I decided on an update day, considering that it allows me to dwell on only a few ideas at a time. Plus, it also allows me to get chapters out earlier for you guys to read! 
> 
> You guys may want to listen to this song once you get to a certain part in the chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGA7oTu_A9k
> 
> Anywho, enough of my endless yapping.
> 
> Enjoy!

The next day had begun with a flash of light.

 "Rise and shine, boys, it's morning!" Your dad called enthusiastically. Damn it all, why can't you just get a decent amount of sleep around here? It's Sunday, for crying out loud, all you're asking for is a few extra hours of sleep. 

 "You heard him, John," Karkat croaked. He stretched for a minute and made his way off of the bed. "Son of a bitch," you whined, "Not you too." 

 He turned to you and said, "I'm an early riser, now get your ass up before I drown you in ice and cold water."

 You looked up from your cocoon of blankets. "You wouldn't dare," you glared at him. 

 He simply looked at you with a smirk. "Oh, really?" he said. "That's funny, because that's the same exact thing Gamzee told me before I drowned him in ice and cold water." He gave you this look that you didn't even  _want_  to name, for it was terrifying enough without one. You didn't even want to _ask_ who Gamzee was. He slowly made his way towards you, his eyes never leaving yours. "Do you actually want to risk it, John?" He whispered. 

 You've never gotten out of bed faster in your entire life. 

 -- Karkat --

 You both brushed your teeth, used the bathroom, and went downstairs. John's dad had some errands to run, so he was gone for an hour or two. Just then, an idea crossed your mind.

 "Hey John, who normally cooks breakfast in your house?" You asked.

 He turned to you, ceasing his trek to the kitchen for a moment. "My dad does, but I do it every now and then, too. Why?"

 "Good," you smiled. "Then I guess you won't have a problem with helping me make breakfast today."

 "Jesus, you're like a mom," he groaned.

 "Well at least I can cook," you said.

 John laughed.

\--

 "Jesus  _Christ_ ," you said. "You guys might as well have a Publix in your fucking kitchen, it's loaded." You know that you came down in the middle of the night for water, but it's not like you were paying attention to anything, really. Now that you have a chance to gaze at the vast collection of food these people have, astonished isn't even a word that comes _remotely_ close to what you're feeling right now. 

 "Okay, now you're just exaggerating," John giggled. "It's not even that much."

 "Not even that--" you paused. Sighing loudly, you pinched the bridge of your nose. "John Egbert. Look into your fucking pantry or refrigerator. Then, I want you to walk over to my house and look at mine. You would be able to tell the difference in a heartbeat, I assure you."

 A chuckle was all you heard. John was busy getting the ingredients out for today's breakfast, which was most likely the reason why he didn't give you a proper response. "How many eggs should we make?" He asked instead. You looked down at the full carton of eggs, and took out five. You assumed that they needed at least two each, since that was basically the amount that a normal person ate. "Why not six eggs?" John inquired. You turned your head to answer his question. "Because," you began, "I don't eat that much."

 "It's two eggs, Karkat."

 "I only want one."

 John sighed. "Well, okay then. Whatever you want."

 You don't actually know why that bothered you so much, it was just a damn egg. You should've just accepted it, or just shoved one down his shirt. Whichever would prevent you from the silence that fell over the both of you.

 -- John --

 You don't like this.

 No, you never liked the silence. You always tried to make things as happy and fun as possible. Silence was only ever a good thing when you were asleep. Plus, Karkat was over.  ** _Karkat._  **It's only natural that you would want your crush to be as comfortable as possible in your home. So far, this entire sleep over has been a disaster. You were hoping that making breakfast would help all of that immensely awkward tension disappear, or at the very least be replaced by happiness, if even for a moment. Realizing it now, though, you actually got what you wanted. It turned out to be fun once you two stepped into the kitchen, but only for a moment. 

 Yeah, you definitely didn't like this. 

 But what could you do? You'd somehow crossed an invisible line about three times already, and frankly, you're sick of it. It was just a fucking egg, why did you have to go and question his intentions?

 Because, John, you are an asshole. Yeah, that about sums it up.

 You just can't respect your friend's boundaries for some reason, even if it's by accident. You hate that about you, but you really don't like yourself at all sometimes.

 What are you? Not normal, that's for sure. And it seems that your brain loves to throw that at you every chance it gets. Wow, and you have to live with this dick wheel until you die? You'd rather be tortured to death, which is essentially what you'll be forced to endure either way.

 As childish as this may sound, you want your dad to be here right now. He always knew how to cheer you up. When you were younger, he used to sing to you to calm you down. Whenever you felt lost, alone, or just like a freak, he'd tell you something that made you feel better and then he would sing your favorite song. Now that you've grown up, though, you've gone through many favorite songs throughout the years, making it a bit difficult for that method to work. You had to be incredibly upset for it to work at all. 

 You wondered if it would work on Karkat. 

 After you finished cooking, you both set everything on the coffee table. Karkat just stands there, however, looking at the food. He looks troubled. You were standing right next to him, just staring. He didn't notice, though, and if he did, he didn't show it. God, you wanted to hug him. Maybe you should hug him. Maybe that's what he needed right now.

  _It's now or_   _never,_ you thought. You looked at him once more. He looked miserable; his eyebrows were furrowed, he was frowning, and his eyes were glossy. You wondered why. You didn't let your curiosity get the best of you, for you still had a mission to complete. 

 Operation Make Karkat Happy has begun.

 -- Karkat --

 Why are you even sad? Nothing fucking happened. John asked you a question and you got all butthurt over it.

  _Damn these eggs,_ was the only thought that crossed your mind at that moment. Of course, blame it on the eggs. Blame everything on anything but yourself.

 It was so quiet while you both cooked, and you felt uncomfortable. Normally you loved the silence, but not around John. Right then and there, it felt as if he gave up on trying to talk to you. John, of all people. That guy never stopped talking. It hurt you when you thought about it. You liked John an awful lot, if you were being honest with yourself, and it broke your heart a little when you realized that he probably thought you were a nuisance.

 And that's exactly what the problem is. You get attached to someone so easily, and you can't help it. You grew up alone, with no one but your dad and brother. You don't trust girls anymore, for obvious reasons. The last time you did, she broke your heart. So now, making friends is a blessing for you. John, though, he's your angel. He's the only friend that's been making an effort to be there for you. You're sure Gamzee and Sollux would try, but they're not even mentally stable. 

 To think that the one person that was actually making a difference in your life has given up on you just makes you wish you would disappear. You don't want this pain anymore. And what sucks even more is that it's barely even ten in the morning and you're already having depressing thoughts. Fuck, you're probably even going to cry soon. 

 You wish you weren't so weak, and you wish you were someone else.

 Actually, you wish your brother hadn't saved you that day. Everyone would've been better off without you. 

 A tear had gone down your cheek. Right as it did, though, you felt a pair of arms wrap around you. 

 God, you don't deserve John, he's such a fucking saint. 

  _"I see you on the blue skies,"_ he began to sing,  _"I need a little sunshine."_

 "John?" your voice broke. But he didn't answer you. He just kept singing. _Why was he singing?_

  _"I fell into your brown eyes, told you I was your light."_

 You hugged John tight, because he was the only one you had right now. You wouldn't want to let go for the world.

  _"No, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to listen all that much. Is it falling apart?"_

 His voice is beautiful, you can fall asleep in a heartbeat just listening to it. You want to stay up, though, just to listen to him until he stops. You don't even care about why he started singing, you just want him to sing forever.

  _"I don't want to talk about it, I just want to hold your hand."_

 And so he did. He intertwined your fingers and continued singing.

  _"Oh you know when you're alone, I'm holding on, and on, and on, and on."_

 Your heart beat faster with every little move he made. This time, he began running his fingers through your hair with his free hand.

  _"Oh you know when you're alone, I'm holding on, and on, and on, and on. To your soul."_

 You both spent the remainder of your time like that, him singing to you, and you never letting go.

 John's dad came home to a house with one broken teenager, and his angel of a son.

 --

 That afternoon, your father called and told you to come home. John offered to walk you to your house, and you graciously accepted after asking him if he was okay with it several times. Hispanic habit, you couldn't help it. You gathered all of your things in your messenger bag, bid Mr. Egbert farewell, and headed out. 

 "So," John began, "I know this is really late, but I had no idea you spoke Spanish."

 You gave him a look. "It's not like it's important. Why are you bringing it up now?"

 "Oh, y'know."

 What the fuck is this guy planning? "Uh, no, I don't know. That's why I'm asking, dumbass."

 He gave you a mischievous grin and said, "It would be a great honor if you were to say something in your first language, Mr. Vantas."

 "First of all," you sassed him, "how would you know if Spanish is my first language? For all you know, it could be Swedish. Second, Mr. Vantas is my father, Egbert, not me."

 "Stop being booty bothered and say something for me, Karkat."

 Your eyes widen in surprise, irritation, and a little but of disgust when you hear those words. The fucking nerve of this guy. "Excuse me? No one here is "booty bothered", whatever the fuck  _that_ is."

 Giggling, he replies. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, your Highness."

 "That's much better," you said, albeit just a bit flustered. "Now, my loyal servant, what is it that you require of me?'

 "I wish to hear you speak Spanish, my Lord."

 You smirked when you heard him say that. What a day it would be if you became superior. Your smirk became a smile when you thought of something to tell the goofball next to you. Hopefully, he won't understand a word you're saying to him.

 "¿Cuándo me vas a dar un beso, idiota?"

 "... I didn't understand a lick of that, except for-- Hey! I'm not an idiot!"

 Bless the Gods above, that would've been a catastrophe. "That's totally not what I called you, idiot. I called you majestic. There's always confusion between the two," you remark sarcastically. 

 "Even if that  _is_ what it means, you still called me an idiot just now." He sticks his tongue out at you. How childishly adorable. 

 You reach your house in what seems like only a few minutes. Strange. The houses are separated an awful lot to provide each residence with a fair amount of land. John lives about three houses down, so that should've been about seven minutes. Plus, you two  _were_ walking pretty slow.

 Time really flies when you're having fun, huh?

 You walk up to your front door, and you both stand still. John turns to you and says, "Well, Karkat, I had a great time."

 "No you didn't," you said a little too fast. But it was true. Who would've had fun when all you did was cry, get tackled, cook, and cry some more? You looked away from him, off to the side of your house. You felt like a burden, honestly.

 "I spent a day with you," He said seriously. "There's nothing greater than that." He leaned in and gave you a kiss on the cheek. "You're a wonderful person, Karkat. Never forget that."

 He said goodbye and walked away. But you couldn't move, nor speak. Your face felt like it was on fire, but you didn't care. 

  _John actually fucking did it,_ you thought.

 You walked into your house, and greeted your dad and Kankri with the biggest smile in the world. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cuándo me vas a dar un beso, idioto?" translates to "When are you going to give me a kiss, idiot?", for the clueless lovelies out there. 
> 
> Yay for me, I finally learned that you can use bold and italics and nonsense like that on here! I guess I just hadn't figured it out until now. I probably might go back and edit a few chapters, but I'm not entirely sure how well that plan will work out. 
> 
> Did you guys see what I did with that angel bit with Karkat? How ironic! 
> 
> I accidentally posted this before finishing it, so I am truly sorry if you actually have started reading it before i got the full thing up. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you for all of the comments and kudos, and of course, thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 is finally here, peeps! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. 
> 
> Also, I'm on Tumblr! So if you want, you can go follow my blog: la-lagartija-con-patas.tumblr.com
> 
> I'm tracking the tag 'just because it's shattered fic', so just tag whetever is related to the fic in there!
> 
> This chapter has a lot of stuff in it, so I hope it's to your liking. Most of the chapter is also in Karkat's POV. Enough of all of this nonsense, on with the chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!

The next day was a Monday, which you actually didn't hate as much as everyone else. It was just another day, and you hated every day equally for obvious reasons. You were getting ready for school when a certain annoying Ampora decided to make an appearance. Who were you kidding, they were all annoying. 

"It's so early, chief," he croaked, "What're ya doin' up?" Is this asshole serious? You gave him a look that practically just called him a dumbass _for_ you. "I have school today." You kept your voice low, in consideration of the other sleeping members in the house. "Don't you remember waking up at the asscrack of dawn just to fall asleep in a class you had for first period?"

He scratched his stomach and nodded his head in agreement, obviously still half asleep. He probably just got up to use the bathroom. You were done anyways, seeing as your hair is always unmanageable. Plus, it's not like anyone gives a shit about what it looks like. You're making your way into the kitchen when you hear Cronus say something to you. "You're such a weird kid, Kar." 

 _What an idiot,_ you thought to yourself. But you smiled nonetheless.

\--

You had just finished eating breakfast and were on your way out. The day before, you and John had decided to walk together to the bus stop. He offered to walk to your house and pick you up, since it was on the way there anyways. You remembered to grab a pack of s'mores Poptarts, just in case anyone (preferably John) wanted some. 

Speaking of the devil, that was probably him at the door. A soft knock was all you heard, probably to avoid waking anyone up. Always such a gentleman.

"Hey," you said upon opening the door. Memories of yesterday were flooding into your mind and you blushed slightly. Luckily, you have tan skin so it shouldn't show as much. "Are you alright, Karkat?" He asked. "Your face is all red. You're not getting sick, are you?" He touched your forehead gently and you froze. Funny thing is, you felt like you were on fire. He began to lean forward slowly, which was just a little inappropriate when checking for a fever. In his defense, it  _was_ still pretty dark out.

"Okay!" You exclaimed, pushing him away gently. "Let's get going before we miss the kiss --BUS." You blushed profusely at your slip up.  John laughed and you both began walking. "Geez, Karkat, you're awfully jumpy today. If I didn't know any better, I would say you had a crush on me," he teased.

You stopped walking.  _Shit, he doesn't know, does he?_ That would be the worst possible thing to happen right now.

"Karkat, what's wrong?" You looked at him in for a moment. Sighing, you thought,  _That's right, he's too dense to get anything._ "It's nothing," you smiled. "Let's go before the bus decides to leave our ass."

\--

You arrived at the bus stop with a few minutes left to spare. The ride to school was uneventful, as per usual. In fact, the rest of the morning was boring -- with the exception of John, seeing as nothing is ever boring with him around -- until first period. Apparently, your teacher hadn't made a plan for that week, so the class had a free day. Which was good, you guess. You got to spend more time with John, which was delightful. 

But one particular student didn't seem to like your happiness. He walked up to your desk and said, "Carl, was it?" 

You groaned. "It's Karkat, dumbass," you had replied. "What do you want?" 

"No need to get feisty, I just wanted to introduce myself." He looked like one of those douchebag jocks that you see in the movies. He probably just wanted to be a dick to you. "I'm Francis," he smiled. It looked fake, as if it was just trying to hide his true intentions. 

"Cool," you deadpanned. "What do you  _really_ want?"

He smirked deviously and said, "I just wanted to know why you're such a loner."

 _What. An. **Asshole.**_ "Well," you began, obviously irritated, "I personally prefer isolation, if that's what you wanted to know. Oh, I'm sorry," you feigned innocence, "You probably don't know what that word means." Now he was looking pissed.  _Perfect._ If he's going to fuck with you, then you're going to fuck with him. "Let me break it down for you. I hate people.  _Most_ people." You looked at John for a second, and then looked back at Francis. "People like you."

"Oh yeah?" He started.  _Here we go._ "Well, I thought it was because you were a fucking loser. That maybe people hated  _you."_ You simply laughed at him. "I find your endeavors to make me feel like total shit extremely entertaining." Looking at him seriously, you said, "The truth is not an insult, get better comebacks." You looked at John again. He was staring at you in utter shock this time, jaw slack. Yeah, he probably didn't like that last comment all that much.

"Your mom is a total whore," Francis barked. "She probably sleeps with ten guys a day and doesn't give a shit about you. In fact, no one likes you! I bet your parents both wished you were dead!"

"My mom _is_ dead, you asshole!" That one really hurt. Sure, you hated the way your mom treated you and Kankri, but you still loved her. You missed her all the time, and sometimes you just wanted her back.

John stood up. "Who gave you the fucking right to say something like that?" He growled. 

That bastard actually looked proud of himself for starting shit. "What are you going to do about it, Beaver Boy?" Francis teased. "Are you going to bite me?"

It all happened in a split second. You saw something in John's eyes snap. In the blink of an eye, Francis was on the floor holding his nose, which was bleeding profusely. "What the fuck was that for?!" he yelled. John walked up to him and picked him up by the collar of his shirt. "You know damn well what that was for, don't you dare try to act any stupider than you already are!" he barked. 

"John," you said calmly. Standing up from your seat, you walked over to him. "John, _please._  Calm down." You tried to talk to him, but he was too far gone to hear you. 

"Fuck you," Francis snapped.

John proceeded to beat the shit out of him. You looked to the teacher, shock written all over her face. She was on the phone, most likely calling security. But you couldn't let them take him. If there's anyone that's going to calm John down, it's going to be you. You yanked on John's shirt and threw him back forcefully. He lunged forward in an attempt to have another go at the beaten student, but you knelt down in front of him before he could. You grabbed both sides of his face gently and stared into his eyes. "John, what the hell was that?" You snapped. You looked at him intently, just trying to figure out what was going on with him. That's when you  _really_ noticed his eyes. It began in his sclera, most likely progressing to the rest of his eyes. A blackness that threatened to consume him. It was going to take him away from you, it was going to seize the royal blue eyes you've come to love.

The blackness in his eyes is not what scared you the most. No, it was the fact that he was becoming something else. Someone you didn't know. And you didn't know how to feel about that. "John, what's gotten into you?" You whispered. You didn't want anyone else to see, in fear that they would take him away from you, too. You looked back at Francis, who was (hopefully) unconscious on the floor. John looked as well, and his breath hitched. You looked into his eyes and the blackness was gone. "Not again," he murmured.

He stood up slowly, never once looking away from the person he nearly killed. Next, he looked down at his hands, which were painted in blood. Blotches of it were all over his skin, as well as his hoodie. Finally, he looked at the rest of the class. That's when you stood up and you stared with him. They looked mortified. John had not just beaten up one of his fellow classmates, but he had also succeeded in instilling fear in the rest of them. You looked back at him, but he didn't look at you. He simply looked at the door of the classroom, and ran. 

"Come back here, young man!" Ms. Reily had called. You looked at her for a split second before doing exactly as John did. But before you could leave the classroom, she had said, "Karkat Vantas, if you step one foot outside of this classroom, I won't hesitate to give you a detention!" You had never gotten a detention in your life, she knew that. She knew how much damage one measly slip of paper can cause you. But you didn't care. No, right now John was your top priority. All you said before you bolted out the door were two words.

"Do it."

\-- John --

After what seemed like an eternity of running, you ran inside of a bathroom. Gasping for air, you leaned on the wall and slid to the floor. 

_You did it again. Congratulations, John, you are an outstanding example of a young man._

"I didn't mean to," you muttered. Great, now you were talking to yourself. 

 _You could've killed him, John,_  your thoughts continued.

"I didn't mean to do it," you murmured. You were hunched over on your knees, hands gripping your hair and hiding your face.

_You shouldn't have stopped._

You froze. Why would you think of something like that? Never in your life have your thoughts been so vile. Your breathing sped up. "I'm a freak," you said to yourself. "It's all I've ever been and it's all I ever will be."

"Don't say that," you heard someone say. Karkat was standing right in front of you, out of breath from running. "If I can't insult myself... then you can't either." 

You looked away from him and whispered, "You shouldn't be here." You're grateful that he is, though. You meant no ill will by your words, you just don't want to hurt him. He merely chuckled. "Neither should you,"he said. Kneeling down in front of you, he grabbed your hands and intertwined your fingers. At this point, his breath was a little more calm. He stared into your eyes and you stared right back into his. You can't believe this. Never in your life have any of your friends actually come after you when you've done something horrible. Karkat is such a beautiful person, and you were such a hideous demon. Why does he keep coming back for you? You got lost in his eyes, and in your own thoughts, You never actually knew you were speaking. "I don't deserve someone as perfect as you," you remarked. "I've caused you nothing but trouble ever since day one. It makes me think how better off you would be without me, even if I couldn't bear the thought of losing you." A tear rolled down your face at your words. They hurt when you finally realized what you said, but you know that they were true. You know that his life would've been better without you. You didn't wipe away any of the tears that fell, for you didn't want to let him go.

He grabbed your face, letting go of your hands. "Don't say that either, John Egbert," he chastised. " _Do **not** say that ever again. _And you know what? I'm glad you decided to talk to me that day. Before I met you, my life was absolute shit. You did the one thing I've always wanted from a person. You were there for me when no one else was. Hell, you stood up for me today and I didn't even ask you to. Now look at us. We're sitting in a bathroom at school crying and being emotional teenagers." He looked about ready to break down right now. "But I don't care," he sobbed. "I don't care because I'm with you. I'm kneeling down on this nasty ass floor being a dork and talking to an even bigger dork, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

He was going to wipe his face, but you grabbed them gently and placed them on his lap. Resting yours on his cheeks instead, you wiped his face for him and smiled. "If you really don't want me to leave you, then I'll be by your side forever." Karkat grinned wide and laughed in happiness. You were both back to staring at each other, but this time it felt more intimate. 

God, you wanted to kiss him. His lips looked so soft and plump, who  _wouldn't_ want to kiss him? You couldn't take it anymore, you  _had_ to at least peck him on the lips. And you were going to man up and do it right now. You began to lean in slowly, and so did he. You were both so close, until you heard the bathroom door swing open.

"John Egbert, get up right now," one of the security guards said. Two were currently standing there waiting for you to obey. Your head hit the wall behind you and you looked up. Sighing, you thought to yourself,  _You really do hate me, huh, God? I can never catch a single break in my life._ You got up slowly and helped Karkat up. "And you," one of them pointed at him, "Get back to class immediately." Karkat looked at you apologetically and you both walked back into the hallway together.

It sucks how you _just_ mustered up the courage to kiss him, too.

But that doesn't mean you can't still do it. 

He was only a few steps behind you, walking in the opposite direction. "Hey," you said to one of the guards, "Can I do something really quick? I'll be back in, like, five seconds. Promise." Without waiting for a reply, you called out to Karkat and caught up with him. He gave you an inquisitive look. "John, what are you doing? You're supposed to be going that way." He pointed in the direction you just came from.

You smirked at him and said, "I know." Grabbing his cheek gently, you leaned down and kissed him passionately. His breath hitched, and you were guessing that he was surprised. Well, _obviously._ You can't just walk up to someone and kiss them and not expect them to be surprised. Eventually, though, he wrapped his arms around your neck and leaned into the kiss. Wow, that felt good. You never wanted someone this badly. Frankly, you also never wanted this wonderful moment to end.

"Hey, kid, watch where you're going!" 

You smacked right into a wall.  _Ouch._ You rubbed at your nose and immediately noticed the fresh blood on your hand. Somehow, though, realization struck you harder than your nose impacting with the wall.

Fuck, it was all in your head. Of course it was. Nothing good ever comes your way, even when you want it to. But damn, you'd be lying if you said that daydream  _wasn't_ realistic. You completely zoned out and everything. You just can't believe you didn't actually _kiss Karkat._

But you swear on your life, you will kiss that boy one day, and you'll do it just right.

Hopefully, just not with a nosebleed. Holy _shit_ , that wall was tough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was almost done writing the chapter when Google Chrome decided to close itself. None of it was saved and I screamed and almost cried. So, long story short, I had to rewrite the entire chapter from scratch, and it took me a hella long time. Always remember to save your stuff, guys.
> 
> ALSO, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I ENDED THIS CHAPTER. I KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU WERE DYING FOR THAT KISS, BUT IT JUST SEEMED TOO SOON.
> 
> Eventually, though, John will definitely kiss him. 
> 
> In the next chapter, John faces the principal and even worse, his angry father. BUM BUM BUUUUM. Also, that Poptart makes a guest appearance. Stay tuned!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for all of the comments, kudos, and thank you for reading!


	11. Of Poptarts and Backstories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Wednesday, everyone! I almost forgot that I had to write today, and I woke up with a startle. So anyways, I hope you all find this chapter hella worth your time.
> 
> Also, if you're interested in following my Tumblr, my URL is la-lagartija-con-patas.
> 
> *Blabbers for years* 
> 
> Anywho, Enjoy!

You find yourself in the principal's office a few minutes later. With your nosebleed dying down, you refused to go to the bathroom for a paper towel. There's no point in it anyways, it's almost over and it'll just be wasting everyone's time. 

"Sit down, Mr. Egbert," Mr. Dane said. You obeyed, but it didn't mean you weren't going to be a sarcastic asshole around him. You had the feeling that he was going to be  _that_ kind of principal, and you didn't like it. "Oh, please," you smiled, "Mr. Egbert is my father. Call me John." You look at him smugly, but you can sense his annoyance at your snide remark. He looks at you intently for a moment longer before saying, " _Mr. Egbert,_ I have contacted your father about your reckless behavior. I would've assumed that a student as bright as you would know how unacceptable it is to lay your hands on another student."

"Mr. Dane, if I may," you interrupted him, "But I wasn't the one who started the fight. Yeah, I threw the first punch, but it was to defend my friend." 

"I'm sure your friend is capable of taking care of himself. There was no need to intervene." 

You looked at him, all traces of amusement on your features gone. "Sir, you don't understand--"

"Oh, I understand completely, Mr. Egbert. You just needed an excuse to hit someone, am I correct?"

"Excuse me?" You probably looked hysterical with your mouth hanging open. "No, you are not correct. You are far from it, in fact. Who do you think you are to make an assumption like that? You barely even know me." You were becoming increasingly angry after each word that came out of his mouth. This guy is ridiculous, you're wondering just _how_ he hasn't been fired yet. 

"I have your records, young man, and I was surprised to see how many times you've had to move schools for something like this. It's astonishing that you haven't been expelled yet."

"Un-fucking-believable." You look away from him and rest your chin in your hand. You're extremely close to ripping his goddamn throat out, but unfortunately, you can't. "You know what? I'm not even going to bother wasting my time listening to your bullshit."

"John Egbert, that is no way to talk to an adult."

"Oh, but it is  _definitely_ a way to talk to an adult that's gotten on your last fucking nerves."

After that, you tuned his idiocy out completely. You were perfectly fine with it and it didn't bother you at all. But you immediately looked up once the door opened behind you and a familiar voice, so calm and collected but oh so  _angry,_ rang through the room. 

"Mr. Dane, It's great to meet you," your dad said.

You froze in your seat, fearing for your life.  _I_ _am so fucked,_ you thought. 

\--

You and your dad sat in the car a few minutes after he yelled at the principal. You were frozen in your seat the entire time you were in that cramped room, just listening to your father rant about how it was unnecessary to suspend you for something that wasn't even your fault. But when the principal threatened to suspend Karkat instead, your dad stopped talking. 

Being the stubborn person he was, he told you to get up and walk to the car. Before you left, however, you saw your dad flip Mr. Dane off and you laughed internally. You were still in trouble, so you couldn't show happiness just yet.

"Just one year, John," your dad muttered, "one year without a fight is all I'm asking for."

You could feel the disappointment in his voice and it killed you inside. You didn't mean to cause anyone trouble, it was a terrible habit of yours. You often didn't even realize that other people suffered through your actions and mistakes. You couldn't look at your father. You were too scared to see just how upset he was at his only child for screwing everything up again. You decided that maybe a simple apology may help  _something,_ but you weren't quite sure. 

It was worth a shot.

"I'm sorry, Dad." And you were genuinely sorry for what you did. You wanted this to be over for good, even if it meant getting yelled at. 

But it seems like luck is not on your side today. "Sorry doesn't always fix things, son." 

You knew he was right, but that didn't stop your breath from hitching. You hated it when you didn't know what to do; it made you feel hopeless. Why couldn't you be like Rose? She always knew what to do in situations like these. But this isn't her life. You aren't her problem. You have to do this by yourself, and there was only one way out of it. You don't want to fight back, but what choice do you have?

"I did it for him, Dad, and I know you know that."

He turned to look at you and you wished he hadn't. It made you feel like total shit whenever he looked at you like that. "John, you're just going to have to accept the fact that not everyone can be helped." 

"So are you saying that Karkat's a lost cause? That I shouldn't try to help my best friend?" You gave him an incredulous look. You can't believe your dad would say something like that. You may just be misinterpreting, but he's basically telling you that some people aren't worth helping. He's a doctor, shouldn't he _know_ that trying is half the battle? 

"Don't twist my words, you know what I meant."

"Oh, okay, then by all means,  _enlighten me."_ _  
_

"John, watch the way you speak to me," he snapped.

"Then don't talk about him like that!" 

"What the hell has gotten into you? John Egbert, you better stop talking back right now or I swear to god!"

You stopped talking altogether just then. You didn't want to get  _too_ angry, since you and your dad both knew what happened if you did. You were infuriated at the moment, but you just kept it all inside. In your case, it's a lot better than letting it all out. You looked out the window at the scenery passing by. It did nothing to calm you down, but it sure was a hell of a lot better than looking at your dad. He's pissing you off right now, but everything is pissing you off, too. You can't blame him for trying to help you, but he's just doing it wrong. 

Your dad sighed quietly, and you just barely heard it. "You really do care for him, don't you?" 

You froze.

Your heart is going berserk in your chest and it feels as if it'll burst out any second. But you can't say you don't like the feeling, because that would be a lie. It makes you feel relaxed and happy, all because you're thinking about him. You liked his eyes, they were much different than what you were used to. All your life you were used to blue, but brown was your favorite. They reminded you of the cakes your dad made when you were a kid, or the chocolate brown color of your mom's hair. You only ever saw it in pictures, but it was long and beautiful nonetheless. 

His hair was just like your mom's. It was short and unruly, but it was the same thick and wavy brown hair as her's. And his smile was so uplifting and beautiful, it just made you want to kiss him. 

He was perfect to you, and that's why you needed him.

"Yeah," you smiled, "I do."

\-- Karkat --

He never came back after that. You spent the rest of the day just thinking about him and about what happened. You felt extremely bad about the whole thing, thinking that maybe he got suspended for knocking out another student. Everyone asked you about it, too, and the whole thing spread like wildfire across the school. But whenever you were asked, you just kept quiet. No one bothered to ask you more than twice, so you were grateful for that. You had almost forgotten about the detention your teacher gave you. She wasn't playing when she told you not to leave the room, and she was extremely disappointed that you had disobeyed her. 

The day dragged on slowly, as if it were taunting you. All you wanted was to get out of school and get to John. You needed to know if he was okay or not.

Eventually, school was let out and you got on your bus. As you got closer to your stop, you grew more anxious by the minute. What if he  _was_ suspended? Or even worse, what if he was expelled? It would've all been your fault. If only you hadn't been such an ass about the whole thing.

You got off the bus and pulled out your phone. Dialing John's number, you waited patiently for him to answer. 

Three rings in, you heard his voice on the other line. "Hello?"

You were incredibly relieved that he didn't sound  _too_ upset. In fact, he sounded normal. "John, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" he replied. You were confused. What did he mean by that? He just got in trouble, didn't he? You were far too confused about the situation to speak over the phone, so you told him the one and only thing that came to mind.

"Come over to my house right now."

\--

You both got there at the same time. 

"Hey," he greeted. You grabbed his wrist and started walking away from the front door. "Karkat, what are you doing?" he asked. 

"Going into my backyard, what else would I be doing?" And true to your word, there you stood, in front of your fence. You unlatched the door and walked in, closing it behind John. It had quite a bit of land that sloped downhill. At the end of the hill, there was a small playground. Your dad built it for you and Kankri when you were barely even a year old. It's where you've gone to get away from your problems, to help relax you when you were upset or angry.

It was your haven, and you have never shared it with any of your friends before.

Until now. 

And you were damned if you weren't going to fix what you had done. 

You sat down on your swing, the one you always sat on. Motioning for John to sit on the only one left, the one to the right of you, you looked up at the sky. You both sat there for a moment, just taking in the scene before you. 

You removed the bag from your back and opened up the small pouch in the front. Taking out the pack of Poptarts, you opened it up and offered one to John. He took it from you and you rested your bag on the floor.

"You know," you began, "I remember the times that I sat down here with Kankri and just looked at the sky. We would just sit there for hours, watching the world go by, eating Poptarts just like now. I remember the times where I would come home crying and I would just run out to my backyard and sit here. There was never anyone here to judge me, just peaceful silence to help keep me company. I remember watching the sun as it set, and I would wait for the stars to come out." You laughed quietly to yourself. "I remember sitting here and just admiring how lively the stars looked without light. And then I would just talk to them, tell them everything that was on my mind, all of the things that were bothering me. And they listened. They never once interrupted me, they just heard me out and stayed there for me. And then Kankri would come out and call me in for dinner and I was back into reality again. But I felt much happier than I had the entire day. Funny thing is, the most recent time I did this was before I met you."

You looked at John just then, and he was looking at you, too. You smiled. "You're the only one out of all of my friends that I've shown this playground to, John. I've never trusted anyone more than you." You looked down at your Poptart, smile gone. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened today in class. If I had just done something different, you wouldn't have gotten in trouble."

You felt his hand on your cheek just then. He began stroking it gently with his thumb as he said, "You did nothing wrong, Karkat."

And that was all you needed. 

You both sat there and ate your Poptarts in a comfortable silence. He stayed with you all day, until the sun had said its goodbyes, and as the stars greeted the Earth with their beauty. 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and your best friend is the most perfect man you've ever laid your eyes upon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst and backstories are what make up this chapter. I was trying to finish this up so that I could be done with it and stuff. It was pretty fun to write, but I found myself quite stumped a few times. And also, just to clarify, I do not think that John's dad would ever abuse him or anything of that nature. He's just a regular father that scares the shit out of his kid when he's mad. 
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for getting me to over 100 kudos on this story! And as always, thank you also for your lovely comments, long and short, and thank you for reading!


	12. Broken Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Wednesday! This entire chapter idea came to me last night at around 2 in the morning, since I hadn't thought about it at all last week. You can thank Young the Giant for all this upcoming sappiness. I believe this chapter is actually way longer than the other ones, considering that I didn't want to cut out anything or split it into two chapters. 
> 
> Also, there's a special POV in this chapter, so I hope you guys like it!
> 
> Enjoy!

It was the same night that you'd both spent together that something wonderful happened.

You were laying on the ground with Karkat when you suddenly felt a burst of courage hit you. "Hey, Karkat," you said. He looked at you in curiosity and you sat up, arms supporting your upper body. He followed suit, eyes never leaving yours.  _It's now or never,_ you thought. Sighing at your mind's abrupt urge to say something so important, you looked up into the sky. The stars were scattered throughout the dark nothingness, grasping your attention successfully and making you relax under their gaze. So bright and beautiful, yet they were nothing compared to the dark brown of his eyes. 

You assumed that the only reason you felt so confident at the moment was because of the amount of trust Karkat had in you. He had shown you, a mere stranger compared to his other friends, his sanctuary from reality. It filled you with admiration and hope, two feelings that you seemed to always feel around him. 

He felt the need to confide in you with something so important to him, and you were going to show him just how much you appreciated it.

Clearing your throat, you continued. "Karkat, I... uh," You couldn't do it. Every time you looked back at him, you became lost in his eyes. Hell, you felt as if he consumed you whenever you just glanced at him. It was a great feeling, but it caused you to forget how to speak.

"You what?" He asked, Tilting his head to the side. Goodness, he was cute. Your hands gripped the grass tightly, and you found yourself able to look away for a moment. "I... I, uh," you stuttered. Fuck, why now? Out of all the times for your voice to fail you, why now? You heard him speak up before you had a chance to continue. "John, it's fine. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." 

And there it was. Your courage was replaced with guilt and disappointment at his words. "N-No, I want to tell you, I just... I don't know how," you admitted. You felt your cheeks heat up and you looked down at your lap. This is infuriating, how can people in movies or books do this kind of shit? 

All was silent for a moment before Karkat spoke up. "Then," he slowly lifted his gaze to meet yours, "why don't you show me instead?" 

_Oh dear God, how did you manage to get yourself into this catastrophe, John Egbert?_

Despite your obviously conflicted feelings, you agreed. "Okay," you breathed. Saying you were nervous was the understatement of the year. But you were a man, and a man never hid from his problems. A true man, at least. You were going to get through this and you were going to make it without melting into the ground. 

 _But he was still looking at you._ His gaze was solely focused on you, waiting for you to do whatever it is you were going to do. You were looking back, but this time you didn't have it in you to look away. You just kept looking at him; you took in every single detail you could  in the span of a few seconds. He had a cute little button nose and lightly tanned skin. But when you looked further down, you noticed his lips. They were parted just a little, pink and plump and  _inviting._ You found yourself licking yours slightly and unconsciously. 

You couldn't take it anymore. Something inside you woke up and you had an idea it had to do with the  _other_ you. It felt so unnatural, but you couldn't fight back once it began to take over. 

You've never felt this way before. You were filled with desire, but it didn't feel all that bad once you got used to it. 

 _No,_ you heard something inside you say.  _Snap out of it, John, you'll hurt him!_

You opened your eyes, but by then you had already kissed him.

\-- Karkat --

Oh my God. "Y-You kissed..."

He kissed you. You were shocked, but extremely excited. You really hope this wasn't all a dream.

You thought he was going to apologize to you, just like they always did in the movies. But instead he surprised you even more. 

"I love you, Karkat."

At his words, you stopped breathing. Your surroundings became nonexistent, and all that mattered was him. But it all came back to you when you realized what this all could've been. 

Pity. 

It was always pity. Even Kanaya began hanging out with you out of pity, she admitted to it. You turned away from him and looked straight ahead. It hurt you just to say these next words, but you knew you had to. You couldn't go through with something like that anymore. 

"No you don't."

You never once looked at him when saying it. Right now, you felt like total shit. Half of you just wanted him to leave without a word, but the other half wanted him to stay and fight for you. But which one was more likely nowadays? The second option just seemed like a dream to you. You couldn't really expect him to waste his time on someone so broken and useless. 

"Yes I do," you heard him say. He sounded frustrated, but there was a hint of determination in his voice as well. It made you look at him with surprise in your eyes, tears beginning to blur your vision, because you just realized what he was doing.  

He was willing to fight for you. He was showing you that the second option  _was_ possible.

And now you feel even worse for doubting him.

You pressed your palms into your eyes for a moment in an attempt to force back the tears. Sniffling once, you finally looked back at him.

"God dammit, John, you're a saint. Why would you ever want someone like me?" Your voice cracked at the end of your sentence and you smiled bitterly. He didn't answer for a moment, causing you to look at him in anticipation. His eyes were focused on the sky once more, but he didn't look distant. Instead he seemed to be lost in thought. You were finally graced with his voice after what seemed like an eternity. 

"I'm not like them, Karkat," He mumbled. "I don't want to change you, I just want to be there for you. We're all at least a little broken inside, but sometimes there's something that can fix it. I've heard you say you were broken when you were talking with your friends. But instead of being sad, you'd just laugh at it." He stopped for a moment. Looking to you, he smiled. "People don't change, Karkat. And it's total bullshit when someone says they can change the person they love." He took your hand gently and intertwined your fingers. Lifting them up to his lips, he kissed your hand and continued speaking.

"You'll always be broken, but it's not a bad thing. They're just scars from your past, and it won't change how much I love you. Right now, though, you're just a little  _too_ broken. You often let it get to your head, making you feel lost. I just want to be the one that brings you back whenever that happens, Karkat, that's all I want."

You were sobbing at this point. Everything he said about you was right, but God fucking  _damn_ him for being so heartfelt. Damn him for stealing your heart and practically turning you into putty when he touches you. 

Damn him for making you need him.

You say these things, but you can't stop yourself from loving him back.

But it's not like you would do such a thing, anyways. 

\--

The rest of the week passed by normally, albeit slightly better. You still weren't sure what you and John were, as you never went into detail about it. You guess it's basically being good friends that kiss and cuddle every now and then, but that's about it. You didn't want to bring it up in fear that John might freak out, even if he was the one that confessed to you.

To be honest, he didn't really seem like himself when he kissed you. Something about him had changed, but you can't really figure out what. However, you didn't give it much thought. John was there for you and that's all that you cared about.

Friday came around rather quickly, complete with a request from your favorite buck-toothed idiot.

"So," he began, smile never wavering, "My three close friends are coming over tomorrow and I was wondering if you wanted to meet them." It wasn't a strange request, it was just meeting friends. Even for someone as antisocial as you, it sounded nice. Lonely people needed company, too. 

"That sounds great," you agreed.

And that's how you got yourself into _this_ mess.

\--

The next day, true to his words, his friends came over. You had asked your dad if you could spend the weekend with John, which he said yes to. He liked the idea of you getting out of the house more often, and you're pretty sure the whole "meeting new friends" deal was what made him cave in almost instantly. 

You finished what little homework you had Friday evening, allowing you to forget about school for two days. 

You went over John's house at around noon, as his friends should be arriving by two thirty. You knew how John was, so you figured that he would still be sleeping at this time. You greeted Mr. Egbert and made your way up the stairs. You smiled when you heard faint snoring from the other side of John's bedroom door. 

Letting yourself in, you were greeted with a limp body in the bed, probably knocked out from staying up late. _Again._ "John, don't tell me you're still asleep," you feigned anger. Crossing your arms and walking closer to his face, you leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Don't make me get the cold water." 

His head instantly shot up, colliding with your nose. 

 _Well fuck me sideways with a rake,_ you thought,  _that hurt like a bitch._

"Ow," you said as you held your nose. John immediately jumped out of bed the second you felt something ooze out onto your hand. He must have noticed your shock, because his hand flew up to your eyes and covered them. 

"Here, let me see." He removed your hand from your nose and you heard him curse under his breath. "Come on, lets get you to the bathroom," he mumbled. Oddly enough, you weren't as scared as you normally would be around blood. Sure, you were still shaking and probably about to cry, but you didn't feel nauseous or dizzy at all. It actually kind of helped you when you couldn't see the blood. 

John sat you down on what you assumed to be the toilet and ordered you to close your eyes. You did so, of course. You didn't see why not after your previous realization. 

As he cleaned you up, he kept apologizing and blaming himself for this. You hated it when people did that when it was obviously not their fault. You weren't going to stand for this, so you spoke up. "John, this isn't your fault," you said, sounding a bit congested. "I shouldn't have woken you up like that. This was my fault."

"But who was the one that headbutted you, Karkat? You wouldn't be bleeding if I had been more careful."

"And you wouldn't have woken up the way you did if I hadn't threatened to douse you in cold water." 

John sighed. He stopped cleaning the blood off your face and placed his hand on your cheek instead. You nearly chanced a glance before he snapped at you lightly to keep them closed.  

"I'm such a doofus," he said. You laughed at his choice of words. There really was nothing that could make you mad at him, he was just too great. And even if you did get mad at him, it was either fake anger or real anger that wouldn't last long. 

A few minutes later, the bleeding had seemed to stop and John deemed it safe to open your eyes once more. He was leaning on the edge of the sink just looking at you.

_But he was still only in his boxers._

You blushed once your thoughts caught up with you and so did he. "I-I'm going to go change," he sputtered. You nodded and he raced out of the bathroom. You stayed, however, just in case he came back and freaked out that you weren't there. 

It's not like it was embarrassing to see a guy in his boxers. Fucking Cronus walked in his boxers all morning whenever he came over. It's just John. And it's obvious  _why_ it's just John. Plus, he was pretty fit and muscular. Anybody would swoon over him in general, but you'd rather they wouldn't. John wasn't officially yours, but you still get pretty jealous when other people are obviously flirting with him. He's incredibly oblivious to it all, so he just calls it 'friendly conversation'.

_How ridiculous that boy can be._

\--

It was two thirty in no time. The knock at the door was calm at first, but you immediately heard the loud yelling on the other side. _"John, come get the door, you nerd!"_ You heard some girl shout enthusiastically.

You could already feel the headache beginning to make itself at home. 

John opened the door to two girls and one guy. He seemed really happy and excited when he saw them all, which made you happy in return. You were standing right next to him when they greeted him one by one, and they didn't seem to notice you until they made their way inside. 

"Ooooh, who's this, John?" One girl asked, who sounded just like the one who was yelling through the door a few seconds ago. She had round glasses on and bucked teeth just like John. She was even as energetic as him. They could probably pass for siblings, to be honest. 

"This is Karkat, you guys. He's a really cool guy I met in school," John introduced. 

"Really now?" The guy asked. He lowered his sunglasses and looked at you with his red eyes (What an odd color). "I never knew you ran a daycare, Egderp. How old is he? Six, maybe seven?" 

"You snarky asshole," you spoke up. "What kind of douchebag even wears sunglasses inside, huh?" Everyone turned to look at you in surprise. John knew that you were like this by nature, so he shouldn't have expected anything else from you.

"Dave, be nice," The blonde girl reprimanded monotonously. She offered you a smile and extended her hand. "Rose Lalonde. It's very nice to meet you, Karkat. Please, don't feel offended by Dave's idiocy. He's equally as dorky as John, in fact."

"Hey!" John whined. You laughed, and the other girl took it as her cue to introduce herself. Copying Rose's movements more enthusiastically, she smiled and said, "I'm Jade Harley, I've heard so much about you, Karkat! I actually had no idea you were going to be here. It's great that I finally get to meet John's cru-- I mean friend!" She giggled and you shook her hand, smiling as well. You like Jade and Rose, they're really nice. Dave is still an enormous anus mango, though, and you do not tolerate anus mangoes. 

The five of you spent the rest of the day talking and exchanging funny stories. You didn't really participate in that sense, but you laughed and snapped at Dave whenever he threw a height joke your way (Not necessarily at the same time). John seemed to like being around him in general, so you weren't about to complain. You knew better than to ruin someone's happiness. 

"So, Karkat," Rose began, "how exactly did you and John meet, if I may ask?" Your smile left your face and was replaced with surprise. You guess Rose noticed how distant you were being in the conversation. You appreciate the fact that she was trying to include you, but at the same time you felt kind of upset at the topic she threw your way. You'll admit that it wasn't quite a pleasant or remotely entertaining story, and you actually kind of regretted acting that way now.

"Well," you commenced, "I was in my first period being an antisocial little shit, when he introduced himself to me after the teacher just called his name. I was also being extremely rude to him, so I honestly have no idea why he likes to be around me," you deadpanned. 

"You're right," Dave spoke up. "You _are_ a complete asshole, so I wonder why he bothers wasting his time on you." You frowned at him. Seriously, what's this guy's problem with you? You hadn't done a single thing to him and he's been rude to you since the minute he saw you. 

"But y'know," he continued, "It could be because he has a total boner for you. But that can't be it, either. You see, John's not a homosexual, isn't that right, John?"

You looked at said non-homosexual who seemed to be frozen in his seat. He was looking straight ahead at the blank TV screen, eyes wide. 

"Yeah," he finally answered after a minute, "that's right. I mean, who would like a guy, right?" He laughed.

Your breath caught in your throat as everything hit you at once. 

He lied to you. He had made it all up. He didn't really love you, did he? 

He really  _did_ say it out of pity. And that alone was enough to further crush your poor heart. 

You looked down at the floor and nodded slightly. "I have to go," you whispered. 

"W-Wait, Karkat!" John stood up as well and grabbed your arm. You turned your head to the side just a little bit, but not enough for him to be able to see your face. Tugging your arm out of his grasp, you quickly made your way through the kitchen, into the dining room, and out the door. 

"Karkat," John's dad called from the entrance of his office, "where are you going?" You turned to look at him, aware of the tears streaming down your face. "Thank you for having me over," you managed to choke out. He looked deeply concerned about you and made his way over before you stepped out.

"Son, what's wrong?" He asked, reaching out to place his hand on your shoulder. You flinched when he moved his hand towards you, shielding your face with your arms out of habit. You quickly looked up, however, as you realized who this person was. He wasn't an abusive person; he wasn't your mother. And you had just shown him how you felt about his comfort, even if it wasn't how you  _really_ felt. He was looking at you in shock, arm still reached out. Your arms were still shielding your face, but you put them down slowly. 

"I'm sorry," you whispered. You turned away slowly, but you ran fast. You ran away as fast as you could, even when you heard him call after you. 

You ran long after your body grew tired, and you didn't give up until you reached your backyard. Your tears made it hard to keep running, as you couldn't see what was in front of you. But your grief made it nearly impossible to continue putting effort into running, and you soon collapsed to the ground.

You didn't make it to the swing on time. You just laid on the grass and cried long after the sun had set.

This is the reason why you couldn't trust anyone. 

This is the reason why you told your heart not to fall in love again.

\-- Kankri -- 

You came home to an empty house, Cronus tailing behind you. Your father must have gone out tonight, and you recall hearing that Karkat had gone over John's house for the weekend. 

Or, at least, that's what you originally thought. 

You heard sobs coming from the backyard and dropped your keys on the table. You could recognize that faint cry anywhere, and you immediately felt your heart falter. You didn't even bother turning any of the lights on, as you found it unnecessary and a complete waste of time. You slid the sliding door open and walked out into the back porch. You could see a figure on the ground, shaking and crying, and you knew that something was wrong. Something was  _terribly_ wrong. 

"Karkat," you called out as you opened the door to exit the porch. You ran to him and crouched down onto your knees, looking for anything on his body that would give away signs of physical damage. Once you found none, you sighed in relief. However, you were still deeply concerned about your brother. What had happened to him? Did someone hurt him? Did you have to beat the shit out of anyone? Maybe your questions would be answered if you bothered to ask any of them, you dingus. 

"Karkat, I need you to explain to me why you are crying outside at nine thirty in the evening," you said, obviously panicking a little.

He was struggling just trying to catch his breath, so you gave him some time. You lifted him to your chest and began to stroke his hair, just like you used to do all the time. It helped calm him down, and you really hoped it still worked.

"H-H-He lied to... me," You heard him say. You weren't enjoying this one bit, and he obviously wasn't either.

"Karkat, who did? Who lied to you?" At this point, your anger was beginning to grow by the minute. Whoever did this was going to pay a grand price. 

"John," He choked out. "I t-thought he actually loved m-me. But... it was just a lie." His voice cracked at the end, and so did your calm demeanor. You were quickly losing your patience and anger was taking over all of your emotions. Karkat hated seeing you like this, but you couldn't help it. You had to do this for him.

Luckily, Cronus had also followed you outside. "Cronus, my love, take Karkat inside for me."

"Okay, but you're comin', too, right?" 

"No, my dear, I'm going to go knock the teeth out of that ridiculous boy for making my brother cry."

And that's exactly what you went to go do. You ignored Karkat's protests and Cronus's attempts to convince you to stay. You turned your head one last time and saw Cronus trying to restrain Karkat. He really didn't want you to do this. The poor boy was still in love.

But it gave you more of a reason to go and do so.  

A few minutes later found you at the front door of the Egbert residence. Mr Egbert had answered the door, seemingly worried about your arrival.

"Kankri, hello. If you're here for Karkat, he left quite a while ago."

"Oh no, Karkat is at home being watched by my boyfriend."

"Oh," he paused. "How is he, by the way? He didn't look too good when he left."

You smiled politely and answered with, "He's been worse. Thank you for your concern, though. Actually, the real reason for my arrival is to have a little  _chat_ with your son."

At this, he invited you in and directed you to the living room. You saw John hunched over on the couch, head in his hands. Three other people sat on the couches in the room, but they were not of your concern. Walking over, you leaned over the back of the couch and tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and visibly paled at your monotonous expression. You gestured for him to stand up and led him into the backyard. Once the sliding door had closed, your anger returned full force. 

"John Egbert, tienes cinco segundos para decirme lo que paso hasta que te mande para la mierda."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "John Egbert, you have five seconds to tell me what happened before I tell you to go fuck yourself," is basically what Kankri said. Heh, it sounds a lot more threatening in Spanish... *sweats audibly* 
> 
> Just to clarify, I'm not trying to make Dave seem like the bad guy here. In fact, I love Dave. But my headcanon of him is that he's usually extremely overprotective of his close friends and doesn't like meeting new people. So I'm sorry if he really was being an anus mango. :c 
> 
> I procrastinated quite a bit with this chapter for the entire day. I wrote about a quarter of it at around four or five and then began writing again at around nine or ten. It is currently two in the morning over here and I have no regrets. Also, I got the idea of John's little speech from a conversation I had with a user named abby in the comment section. Thanks for opening my eyes and making me realize just how important it was for John to say this!
> 
> As always, thank you for the kudos and comments and thank you so much for reading!
> 
> In the next chapter, we find out just how ruthless Kankri can be when he's angry, we get to hear a certain Lalonde's input, and we finally get to witness this shitstorm of a problem die down and resolve itself. Stay tuned!


	13. Forgiveness and Christmas Embarrassment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so super sorry that I left you hanging for two weeks. I had just started my first year in high school and I was so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that I decided to leave the writing for another day. But I promise that it will (hopefully) never happen again without me letting you guys know!
> 
> I also wanted to talk to you guys regarding my update day. Seeing as I'll have a lot more on my plate as the year progresses, I'm going to move updates to Saturdays nights/Sunday mornings. This way I won't have to worry about doing all of my homework and then staying up late writing the new chapter (or vice versa). It'll also prevent me from not updating in weeks or months or whatever amount of time that isn't a week. 
> 
> Again, I am really sorry for my inactivity. I actually stayed up until 4, almost 5 am writing this and I'm dead tired. 
> 
> One thing that you have to know about the chapter before you start reading: it begins in John's POV. That is all. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Okay, what?

Seriously, sometimes you really wish you had taken Spanish classes. Who knew they'd come in handy? "Um," you began, still startled by how angry Kankri looks, "Could you repeat that? In English?" 

Wow, he looked pissed. He straightened himself up and put his arms behind his back. "You have to be the most inane human being I have ever encountered over all my years. John, you have five seconds to tell me just what the  _fuck_ you did to my brother before I skin you alive and burn your remains."

_Jesus, were they all this terrifying when they were angry?_

"I..." You didn't exactly plan for this to all go to shit. Then again, you didn't actually think Dave would say something like  _that._

"Dave started it." Low blow, you know. But he did. If he hadn't said those things, none of this would've happened. But it was technically your fault for not owning up to being  as straight as a flimsy noodle.

"I do not care who initiated this ridiculous mishap, I have enough evidence to infer that it was your fault. I'm not repeating myself a third time, Egbert,  _so I suggest you get on with it right now."_

"It was an accident, okay? I didn't mean to say it!"

"Newsflash for you, John, everyone does the same shit. But frankly, I don't care about everyone else. I am giving you one last chance to tell me why my brother is at home crying over you before I make sure the next time he comes to visit you you're six feet under." 

Your breath hitched in your throat. "He's... crying?" You didn't actually think you'd make him cry. He's a strong person, you didn't think something so small could hurt him so much. You looked away from Kankri. You couldn't bear to look at him at the moment, knowing that you had caused yet another person you cared about so many problems. Laughing bitterly, you said,"Guess I fucked up big time again, huh?"

You heard Kankri sigh. "John, what did you even say to break my brother beyond his limit?" He asked softly. "He hasn't cried that much since..."

You looked up as Kankri trailed off. "Since what?" You asked. You wanted to know about this just as much as Kankri did about what you said. But instead of answering you, he shook his head. "Forget I mentioned it," he murmured. At the moment he looked deflated, almost lifeless. You guess that whatever happened broke him as well. For him to go through all this trouble to make one person happy surprises you.

And in your eyes, you owe him so much more than what he's asking for.

But it's a start, right?

"Hey," you gave a little smile, "I guess before I tell you what I did, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry." The smile faded. With good reason, of course. You hated the fact that you hurt Karkat with a few words. "And I know sorry doesn't always fix things. Hell, it hardly does. In this case it won't, and I know that. But I'm willing to fight for him if that's what it takes. I'm not letting him go for something i did."

"I'll take your words to heart once you actually tell me what you did, John," he reminded you. He folded his arms and shifted all his weight on one foot. Just like Karkat.

Damn, you're dying to see him. 

_Well, the sooner you deal with this, the sooner you'll get to._

And so it began.

\-- Karkat --

You're currently sitting on the couch with Cronus and sobbing into his shirt.

Boy, what a mess this has become. Sure, you knew John was a complete dumbass, but you never knew this would happen. You never knew he would actually tell you he loved you. And you never knew he would say it out of pity.

You never knew he would make you fall in love again.

"Chief, was he really worth cryin' over?" Said the asshole who's shirt you were ruining. 

"Fuck you, Cronus," you barely managed to choke out. You didn't really mean what you said, so you hope he didn't take your words to heart. You appreciated the fact that he was here with you right now and you didn't want him to leave. But he never took your insults seriously, so what did you have to worry about?

Apparently just that. Cronus was actually going to leave. You gasped and grabbed his shirt in an attempt to keep him in place. "Don't go," you sobbed, "please."

"I ain't goin' anywhere, Kar, just give me a sec." He ruffled your hair for a moment before walking behind the couch and down the hall. You sat up and put a hand on your temple. Your head was killing you and your nose was stuffy. Your face probably looked all red and your eyes felt puffy. 

You just want to go to sleep and forget today even happened. 

Cronus walked into the living room a moment later and handed you a box of tissues. Sitting down right next to you again, he said, "I'm gonna sit here and listen to you ramble on about how that boy broke your heart, whether ya like it or not. 'S not like you have a choice, anyways." 

"Just let me go to sleep, Cronus, I'm not even in the mood to talk." 

"Not happenin'."

"Cronus--"

"No, Chief. If this kid made ya cry this hard, then I deserve to know why. Afterwards, I'll smash his face into the floor."

You groaned loudly at his stupidity. I don't want you to kill him, you moron. Don't even think about laying a finger on him."

"And why would that be?" He smirked. He really loved to tease you, the fuckass.

"Because he's mi--" 

You stopped yourself before you could finish that word. You knew it was a lie, because he wasn't yours. He never was to begin with. And if that doesn't make you feel like a steaming pile of wet dog shit, then you don't know what does. You looked down at the floor, avoiding the brilliant blue eyes Cronus had. The eyes that reminded you too much of the idiot that broke your heart.

"Oh god, Karkat, I didn't mean to make ya cry again. Shit," he said. You didn't even feel the tears in your eyes until he mentioned it, actually. You were two busy remembering how unique John's eyes were. They were so mesmerizing even if you weren't looking at them. 

But you loved them even more when they were right in front of you.

Why did this have to happen to you? Shouldn't one time be enough for one person? 

_Dear God, please just let me go to sleep._

But you couldn't lay down and close your eyes like you had hoped you could. You can't just escape reality forever. Because just the very thought of it all being real terrified you to no end. The very thought of your whole life being nothing but pain so far is what keeps you up every night. It makes you feel like starting over. Getting a new life and a new family and a new chance to love again.

That was the real reason you wanted to die in the first place.

 _But who really knows what happens after death?_ It's the only thought that's kept you alive, along with  _It'll all get better one day._

You would continue your self loathing and whatnot, but you were interrupted by a knock at the door. 

"I've got it," Cronus muttered. Standing up, he walked to the front door and opened it. 

And from behind the door, the first thing you noticed was blue.

\-- Rose --

You cannot believe this. John just left the house with a man who was apparently his neighbor. However, this man resembled Karkat quite a bit, so you were under the impression that it was his brother. You ruled out father because he seemed far too young to have a child. But that didn't interest you at all.

What caught your attention was your annoyance toward a certain Strider sitting across from you. 

"Rose, you've been staring at me like I kicked your puppy for the past ten minutes," he said blankly. "If you have something to say, just say it."

You glared at him even harder than you already were. "You and I both know that you're aware of what you did wrong, Dave. Don't act ignorant."

"Yeah, you were being a real jerk!" Jade exclaimed. She puffed up her cheeks in annoyance. 

"Oh, come on, as if you guys weren't thinking of saying it," he huffs.

"No, Dave," you chastised, "we weren't. It was just you. And you should know better than to put your best friend on the spot like that."

He sucked his teeth and leaned back in his seat. Crossing his arms, he looked at you through his shades and said, "Whatever, Rose."

You were getting tired of his attitude. Recently, he'd started behaving like an over-emotional teenage girl, which was pissing you off more than you'd like to admit. Has he even the slightest idea of what you, as his friends, feel like whenever he yells at you over such a simple matter? It's ridiculous, really, to not even be able to admit when you're acting like a total --for lack of a better word-- bitch.

"David Elizabeth Strider--"

"Oh god, not this shit again--"

"I believe we need to have a little  _chat."_

 He groaned. "Would you  _please_ fucking quit it with the Elizabeth? Bro called me that  _one time_ when I was on Skype."

Ignoring Dave completely, you continued. "What I am trying to say, Dave, is that you do not get to speak for John. Your commentary was extremely out of line and you made Karkat feel ostracized."

"Jesus, it's not like I outed the damn guy, Lalonde. How long has he been telling us that he's "not a homosexual"?" He looked just about ready to lose his cool which is exactly what you wanted. He needed to take this matter seriously whether he liked it or not. 

"Dave," Jade began, "What if John was actually trying to hide the fact that he  _was_ gay from everyone and you almost outed him, you dumbass? And on top of that, what if he really really liked Karkat and you just made him seem like a complete douche? You ever thought about that?" She snapped.

Wow, she was upset. You like her enthusiasm, though, so that's always a good thing. But wait...

"Hold on, did John actually mention that he had feelings for Karkat?" You asked Jade. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, realization crossing her features. 

"Uh..." she trailed off, "No...?" 

"Harley, what the hell do you mean "no"? He does, doesn't he? And he didn't even bother to tell us?" Dave complained.

"Dave, calm yourself," you warned. Sure, you were a little unhappy that John didn't confide in you or Dave about something so confidential, but you understood why. He was always able to talk to Jade much better when it came to relationships and whatnot, seeing as she was more like him. Plus, she wasn't as apathetic as you or Dave. Even if he  _is_ John's best friend, he isn't very good at expressing his emotions. It's no secrets, but Dave can barely handle his own emotions himself. He doesn't even know if he'll ever even get around to telling Jade how he feels about her.

Such a poor sap.

But that did not excuse him of his actions. Justice must be served.

"He told me he felt like Karkat could be something good for him," Jade mumbled to herself. She looked down at her lap, shoulders slump and expression dejected. You turned your head to Dave and saw that he didn't look that happy either. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was looking at the wall.

Sometimes you wish you could have a normal conversation without anyone becoming upset. It made you feel so hopeless. Over the years though, you've learned not to ask for anything at all, in fear of rejection.

As you have been doing for most of your life now, you sat patiently and waited, hoping to God that John came back happy.

\-- Karkat --

You stared at him until he came in. At that point, you had gotten up and began to walk to your room. You wanted to see him, and fuck, you wanted to do  _so_ much more than hug him. You wanted to kiss him passionately, you wanted to never let him go again. But at the same time, you wanted to yell at him until your throat hurt and you wanted to cry and make him feel guilty for what he did to you.

But who's to say he even feels guilty at all? What if he doesn't care about you anymore?

Those were the questions that made you walk away without a second glance. It made you slam your door to make your anger known. Your emotions weren't a game, and you in general were not someone to be pushed around. 

You barely made it to your bed before you heard a soft knock at the door.

"What?" You said sharply. You barely heard the other person, but from his soft voice you assumed it was John. You were pretty sure that Kankri wouldn't even let him get past the driveway if he thought that John wasn't worth any of your time, so you should at least give him a chance.

You hope he wants to fight for this relationship just as much as you do.

You open the door calmly and look down at the floor. Your face is a mess and you'd rather not have him look at it right now. You stepped aside and let him in, cautious of your movements. You're not sure why, however, but you won't question yourself any further.

He stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. You wanted to say that he looked like a dumbass, but that would be a lie. He's making your heart race a mile a minute right now, but you can't really find yourself hating the feeling.

He took in a deep breath before saying, "Karkat, I'm sorry." _You have got to be fucking kidding me,_ you thought. You stared at him and raised your eyebrows. "Sorry?" You tilted your head and crossed your arms. "I really do hope you have something more than just an apology, John." If you were going to sit here and wait for an answer, you might as well sass him while you're at it.

"Yes," he stated proudly, "as a matter of fact, I do." 

You both stood there for a moment. Wow, it's fascinating how much more idiotic he became in just a moment. After that thought crossed your mind, you broke the silence. "You uh, care to share it with me?" God, he's beautiful but he sure is dumb. There's a downside to everything, though, so you shouldn't be complaining.

"R-Right," he blushed. "I, um... I wanted to tell you that i didn't mean what I said. I just panicked and I didn't know what to do."

"Why, John? Why would it be hard to tell your  _best friends_ something so fucking important?" You didn't want to start getting emotional, but you couldn't help it. As much as you wanted to feel angry, all you felt was fear and sadness. _  
_

"It's not so easy to just tell people who you are, Karkat, and it's way harder to tell them who you like. You have to believe me when I say I didn't mean for it to get that far," he pleaded. He looked completely serious about everything he was saying, but you weren't even sure about what he was talking about.

"There are so many things you can mean by saying that, so how do I know which one you're talking about? For all I know, you had no goddamn intention of establishing any kind of relationship with me. You could even fucking regret telling me that you loved me because it was all just a mistake." Your voice cracked at the end, but you didn't care. You were too scared to know his answer to give a damn about anything else.

Shock painted his features. As his eyes widened, he spoke lightly. "Do you really think I would regret loving you?"

He looked hurt at your words. How is it that he could make you feel guilty for doubting him when he was the one that made a mistake? 

It didn't make your surprise lessen, though. You'd thought that he really would come over here to tell you that his confession was a mistake, that it was just him pitying you. But you were extremely relieved when he said those words.

But you couldn't be sure he meant it. You didn't know if he was just acting the way he did back at his house. He could just be scared of losing a friend, or maybe he doesn't have the heart to let your depressing ass down. As much as you hated to admit it, you didn't want him to leave. And you'd be damned if you let him slip by at all.

"Prove it," you whispered. "John Egbert, I want you to prove to me that you're not lying again."

He smiled at your words. He was inching his way towards you, his movements painfully slow. By the time he reached you, his hand was on your cheek. It was such a comforting gesture, but you were still filled with so much uncertainty. You needed him by your side, but you weren't sure how you'd be able to handle rejection.

"Gladly," he smirked. His soft lips greeted your slightly chapped ones, and your arms found themselves around his neck. You never wanted this moment to end, but you should have remembered that good things never last. As you broke apart, your eyes met and your foreheads touched, the feeling of his hands on your waist safe and reassuring.

But it wasn't enough. 

You removed your arms from his neck, placed them on his chest, and gently pushed him back. Shaking your head, you said, "I want to believe you, John, I really do," you choked out. "But I can't." You couldn't look him in the eyes. You know what comes next and you'd rather not see his expression before he leaves, it'll be too much to handle. 

It seems that tears have been your only companion all night, and it might stay that way for a long time.

As you felt them fall down your cheek individually, you wondered just what exactly you were afraid of.  You needed him, didn't you? So why were you pushing him away? Why wasn't he enough for you?"

Why couldn't you believe that he loved you?

_Because you weren't ever able to trust anyone._

You put a hand over your mouth. It's not true, it can't be. You promised that you would start trusting others again. You told yourself that you wouldn't let your past define you, that you wouldn't let it get in your way. 

_Oh, but you did. You let it crush you and drive away everyone you ever loved. You're so pathetic._

"N-No," you whispered. Fuck, not this. You hated it when this happened. It was always when you were like this that you did the things you regretted the most. You never asked to be you, so why do you always beat yourself up about it? Why can't you ever just be normal for once?

Why couldn't you just forget you ever existed? 

A pair of arms wrapped around you tight. It startled you, but you didn't push them away. Instead, you just slumped into them. You let them comfort you and you let them be the warmth you craved the most.

"I'm not giving up on you, Karkat. I'll do whatever it takes to make you trust me."

And that was all that you wanted to hear. Those were the reassuring words that pulled you back from the dark recesses of your mind. And it was then that John became the only thing by your side that mattered.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you don't think you would mind falling in love with this man all over again.

\--

Several weeks later found you both content and ready to take on the world. It had only taken John two weeks to make you melt in his arms once more, but you didn't really mind at all. You've learned to trust others besides your family and Cronus, and you've learned that loving someone wasn't such a bad thing after all. It turns out that having a boyfriend is actually really great. He's always there to help you out whenever you're feeling down in the dumps, or whenever you're just extremely tired of staring at the ceiling for half an hour. He promised to be there for you at any time of the day, and so far he hasn't disappointed you. Everything was going great and you couldn't complain one bit. 

Well, maybe you had just  _one_ complaint.

"Christmas? What the hell are you talking about, I'm not celebrating Christmas, you dipshit."

_Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're being forced to celebrate Christmas at your boyfriend's house._

There seemed to be one little detail you forgot to mention to John: you don't like Christmas. Hell, you don't like holidays in general. They're just plain stupid and they're only good for getting you out of school.

"Are you serious, Karkat? How the hell could anyone hate Christmas? You get free presents!" John exclaimed. 

They are not free, John," you snapped half-heartedly. "Have you ever wondered why people spend their money to buy other people ridiculous gifts that they probably won't even like? And for what, a gift of equal value? It sounds pointless, if you ask me. So count my ass the fuck out." You walked into the kitchen and got out the ingredients to make hot chocolate. It's winter and you seriously don't even want to deal with the cold one bit. Fuck the weather.

"Well golly, Mr. Grinch, Christmas isn't  _all_ about presents. It's about spending time with the people you love." You stopped pouring milk in the pot to turn around and glare at him. "What the fuck did you call me, you bag of rotting, flea-infested rhinoceros dicks?"

John burst into a fit of giggles. Seriously, is this guy always happy? What the fuck is up with that? 

You stopped your thought process and evaluated your previous questions. 

Jesus shit, you really are a Grinch. Maybe you really do need to celebrate Christmas for once.

"Oh God, Karkat, you're killing me," John said as he wiped a tear away from his eye.

You didn't really respond to the handsome moron sitting in a chair at the island after that, for you were lost in thought once more. What exactly was it like to celebrate Christmas with friends and family? Hell, what did it feel like to celebrate Christmasin general?

Your family never really cared for holidays all that much. The only holiday you guys looked forward to was Halloween, and that was only for the free candy. Of course, even  _that_ stopped being fun after you were almost kidnapped at age ten. But that's another story entirely. 

The point is, this might actually be an opportunity you'll enjoy. "Karkat," you heard John call, "Are you okay?" 

"Hm? Yeah," you replied. "Just thinking." You continued on with your business of making hot chocolate, not bothering to turn around and engage in conversation. You were never one for talking much, anyways. 

"About what?" But of course, your nosy ass boyfriend doesn't really take the hint. Not that you care, seeing as this is the perfect opportunity to accept his request. 

"I uh," you cleared your throat and turned around. "Does your offer still stand?" 

He cocked his head to the side. "Which offer would you be referring to? 'Cause a lot of my offers still stand, you know. Cuddling, sloppy make-out sessions, sex--"

"N-No, you idiot," you stammered, blushing profusely, "I meant Christmas!"

"Oh," he giggled, "yeah, why wouldn't it be?" He looked at you innocently, as if he didn't really just mention a list of things you both do in your free time. He gasped when he realized what you were implying. "Does Ebenezer Scrooge want to come to my Christmas party?" 

Oh, this fucker is asking for a kick in his buck teeth. 

"You know what? Another sarcastic fucking comment like that and I'm not making you any hot chocolate, you huge, dickfucking sorry sack of shit."

He simply laughed.

Boy, what a trip this is going to be.

\--

Christmas Eve found you and your family standing outside of the Egbert residence in the freezing cold, wearing disgustingly festive Christmas sweaters. Ah yes, what a time to be alive. Mr. Egbert greeted the four of you (Cronus was forced to tag along) at the door, seemingly forgetting about the mistletoe hanging above him and...

Well, what a great time to start off the holidays. Now your dad has to kiss your boyfriend's dad. Splendid. But it didn't seem to register in their minds that they're right under  _the fucking mistletoe._  Sighing, you took it upon yourself to inform them of their current situation, seeing as they might even break tradition and walk away without a second glance."Uh, Dad? You're forgetting something." He gave you a confused look. You point up at the hanging plant above the two men and they both immediately blush. Strange, you would think they'd go pale instead of red. Who knows, maybe it's a dad thing. 

"Don't just stand there, Dad, you know the rules," you smirk wickedly. _This is payback for the fucking_   _Christmas sweater, old man._

As they kissed awkwardly, John had made a guest appearance right behind his dad. "Oh, you have  _got_ to be kidding me," he groaned, hiding his face behind his hand. "This is why I told you not to hang it above the door, Dad." 

Mr. Egbert just hushed him and invited us inside.

\--

Everything was alright in your opinion. Nothing was going wrong, save for Dave being a dickwad. But that's normal. His brother informed you that he was "just mad that his middle name was Elizabeth". You swear, you haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

Rose's mom was pretty cool, although she seemed to be kind of drunk. But that was apparently "just typical Ms. Lalonde behavior" by everyone else's standards.

Jade's Grandpa just talked about guns and adventures, but he was nice and friendly so you couldn't complain. 

Oh, but none of that compared to the time you all spent cramped up in the living room watching shitty Christmas movies. Everyone was curled up next to one another on the couch, blankets strewn about. You and John were sitting on the floor, leaning on each other for support. It was really nice.

You were about to fall asleep contentedly on John's shoulder when you felt something brush against your hair.

"Oooh, look who's under the mistletoe," Dave announced. Everyone suddenly perked up at the sudden mention of a mistletoe, curious about who was going to be forced to kiss each other. 

"Dave, what the hell?" John sighed. But he didn't seem bothered at all by the mistletoe. In fact, he was probably just upset that Dave had woke him up. He sat up and giggled before saying, "Our lips must be, like, best friends by now They're always smooching each other."

"I will kick your ass," you whispered. But of course, you both laughed.

John grabbed both of your cheeks gently and kissed you sloppily on the lips. You laughed because you could practically feel how sleepy he was through his movements. Everyone either "aww"ed, laughed, or (in Bro's case) yelled "gaaaaaay". 

When John pulled away, he muttered, "Merry Christmas to the most beautiful person on the planet," in your ear, laid down on your lap, and proceeded to knock out.

Christmas made it to the top of your holiday list in one day.

 -- 

Christmas morning wasn't anything special. In fact, it seems that no one got each other a  _serious_ gift. All John got Dave was a rubber chicken, which he laughed his ass off about. What a dork.

This year's Christmas present theme: Idiotic embarrassment.

Upon opening his present from Ms. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert immediately stopped halfway. He didn't need to show everyone the gift, as they already knew it was a Christmas-themed toilet seat.

Cronus's gift to Kankri was by far one of the most embarrassing. He had gotten your brother a pair of lacy black panties, which Kankri proceeded to throw across the room. He was as bright as his red sweater, which made everyone laugh. He smacked Cronus on the arm, but his boyfriend was too busy howling in laughter. Bro offered to take them if Kankri didn't want it, but that just made him blush even more. You were surprised he didn't go into a full rant about how "triggering" the gift was.

Bro gave Dave a red puppet thing with an incredibly large ass. It made Dave shriek, so you can't say the gift was terrible in the slightest.

Jade received a pair of white dog ears from Rose, which looked pretty cute. As for Rose, she received a wizard statue from her mom, making her groan and laugh.

As the presents were handed out and hilarity ensued, it was finally John's turn to give you your present. 

You were filled with uncertainty and curiosity. You were probably also going to get something incredibly stupid, but there was only one way to find out for sure.

As you opened your present slowly, you tore off the red gift wrap with caution. You finally began to see your present, and you start tearing off the wrapping much quicker.

And what you saw had to be the dumbest, yet sweetest thing anyone could have ever gotten you. 

As you held up the big, stuffed crab toy, you leaned on John's shoulder and grinned.

You used to have a stuffed animal exactly like this one when you were young, but your mom had thrown it away when she got angry. You didn't actually think you would miss something so insignificant, but here you are cuddling the shit out of an inanimate object.

"John Egbert you have got to be the biggest idiot I know, and I love you," You said, but your speech was muffled. 

John simply kissed the top of your head and said, "I love you, too."

And as the day slowly passed by, everyone continued enjoying what was left of the holiday. You continued your movie marathon as others around you talked and laughed, making memories last for a lifetime and beyond.

It was at that moment that you realized you wanted to do this again next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. 

Because to you, there was nothing better than sitting curled up on the couch next to the man you fell for twice, holding his hand and laughing at stupid actors on the screen.

You think maybe Christmas isn't so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness gracious, that was time consuming. I really don't have much to say other than thank you all for the kudos, comments, bookmarks, and hits you've given me! It makes me really happy to see that you all enjoy my fic! Other than that, I feel as if this chapter might end up being as long as the other ones, if not just a little longer. It took much more time to write, so maybe that's why it seems endless. Anywho, that's about it!
> 
> I love you all with my entire being and I hope you have a great day!


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